Thursday, March 27, 2008

Poor People like Relieving Stress

Over my many, many months at Genericorp, I have seen employees attempt to relieve stress in many ways-- flushing office supplies down the toilet, long distance calls to loved ones, carving gang signs into their desk, tipping the vending machine and pillaging the remains... However, these practices are not recommended at Genericorp. We like to keep an air of serenity in our office, so whenever one of our employees is upset during office hours (undoubtedly due to issues at home or a poor work ethic), we offer these tips to get them through the work week.

An organized desk is a happy desk. There is no disputing this. If you are uncomfortable in the office, it is probably because your desk is untidy and your work is unfinished. Try finishing the report that was due last week, or re-alphabetizing the files on your desk. You will undoubtedly feel more accomplished and at home in your work space.

Soft Music
During morning hours, some of our employees like to play the radio at their desks at a low volume. It puts people at ease to hear the gentle music of liteFM and hum along to their favorite song from Jon Secada, Counting Crows, All Saints, Cyndi Lauper, The Sugar Hill Gang, Gwar, or the original soundtrack of the Never Ending Story.

We do not see the need to invest in corporate mediators or in house HR at Genericorp. However, we do believe in the healing properties of plants and encourage our employees to stop by the palm in the entranceway whenever they wish to experience the tranquility of nature.

Exercise is the best way to release endorphins, and endorphins make you happy… since the company requires a 70 hour work week, and has otherwise decorated and arranged the office for optimal suppression of joy-- we offer discounted gym memberships. Workers can enjoy 10% off memberships to a pre-selected gym where they can exercise in the cocoon-like sanctity of another small grey room and work themselves to a state of physical exhaustion on par with the mental exhaustion inflicted by a corporate setting.

Co-workers often like to bond over “happy hours” or “dinners.” However, we recommend that you try drinking even when you are alone. Honing this habit early in life is critical to developing the level of apathy required to survive corporate life for over 6 months.

Sensitivity Trainer
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

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