Friday, May 30, 2008

Poor People Like New Jobs

Poor people love to start new jobs that increase their salary anywhere from $.50 - $20 hourly. It will become apparent that no matter what type of job you have at whatever kind of company, there are certain qualities that every last job on the planet shares. Understanding these qualities will help you accept your fate as an employee of Genericorp, no matter where that may be:

Inefficient Computer Programs
Whether it’s the appointment software at the doctor’s office, the eBay lister at the retail store or the affiliate database at Mindless Media, you can bet your bottom dollar (which you’ve seen often) that this program will operate according to how necessary it is for completing your daily tasks. If there is one program that you need all day/everyday in order to get any work done, it is pretty much a guarantee that this will be the most deficient program you use in your entire life. You can try to trick it by pretending you don’t really need to be using it, but it knows better.

Awkward First Days
No matter how casual the dress, atmosphere, or work load, you can be sure that your first day will be unbearably awkward, as if everyone and everything about your new job is going out of its way to terrify you into never coming back. This is also mostly because everyone at your new job is trying their best to give a good first impression. This means; no talking, music, or cigarette breaks. Even though you remember perfectly what your previous job was like on a regular day just days before, it all escapes you as you sit in your new chair, unsure how exactly you’re going to adjust to the height of your new desk, and wondering to yourself how everyone could possibly be so well-behaved.

With every single job comes a ton of guilt, whether it’s your boss, co-workers, the job itself or YOU trying to inflict it. New jobs especially like to pile on the guilt like the toppings at Subway. Ever notice that everyone at your new job is at their desk working before 9am? Ever notice that everyone stays well past 5:30? They all sit in front of their computers working diligently as you continue with the First Day Bitch Work that has been assigned to you, hoping anyone will leave so that you’re not the asshole who left before everyone else. Also, you will notice that everyone chooses to “eat lunch” at their “desk” on your first day, inadvertently quilting you into not going out for your lunch hour.

A Boss
Yes, no matter where you work or what you do there, if you are poor - you will have a boss. Bosses come in all different forms, some more subtle than others, but all with the same purpose…to make sure you work. Some bosses may appear to be friendly, caring, and genuinely concerned with why you are late or why you threw up in the bathroom after lunch. But at Genericorp, you can be sure of one thing; they care about their job more than they will ever, ever care about you.

Go forward soldiers, but tread lightly.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Poor People Like Birthdays

Poor people like birthdays because it gives them an opportunity to get 3 things that they love; beer, cake and attention. I'd like to thank the employees here at PPLP for giving me balloons and cake for my birthday. "Balloons are the most visible way to say, 'we're too poor for real presents.'" It's also nice to find a box of cupcakes on your desk in the morning after Mindless Media decides to skip Monthly Cake Day on YOUR month.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Monday, May 19, 2008

Happy 40th Birthday, Cubicle!

40 years ago today (er,yesterday), Bob Propst (an inventor who worked for Herman Miller, Inc.) invented the cubicle. Thanks a lot! While he may have done so with the best intentions, the cubicle has become a symbol of a disillusioned work-force, cramped into a 4x4 space not unlike the modern jail cell (except you don't have a lock).

How to celebrate your cubicle's special day? Here are some gift ideas that your 3 pieces of wall would love:
  • Shag carpeting
  • Vacation to LegoLand
  • Really big toaster cozy
  • Office Max gift cards
  • Simpsons desk calendar
  • A pebbles chair mat
  • Homemade Post-it storybooks
  • Wreath made of faxes
After bestowing such gifts onto your cubicle, maybe it will be nice and give you your soul back.

The PPLP Team
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Poor People Like Dunkin'

There's still time... it's Free Iced Coffee day at Dunkin' Donuts until 10pm.

There's no way your boss has heard a thing about it.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Poor People Like Cutting it Close


Payday is in 43 minutes.

Monday, May 12, 2008

A Great Idea

That Would Be the Cherry on My Sundae

[Thuggish teen prances in front of taxi.]
: Are you really that poor that you need to walk and get hit by my cab for money?!

Thuggish teen, walking to taxi window: Thats what I do! Mmmhmmm [Eats ice cream slowly at car window.]

--10th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Melissa Anne