Monday, March 31, 2008

A Day in the Life of A Genericorp Employee

Have you ever wondered what your employee actually accomplishes during work hours on any given day? Where do they go every time they leave their desk? Surely, they can’t be going to the bathroom again! What website is that on their browser and why is the window so small? Or how about why their screen savor is on when they seem to be sitting at their desk working? For the answers to these questions and more, look no further. Here is my play-by-play of a typical day at Genericorp.

9:12 I’ve just finished my first batch of personal emails, and am now preparing to make my first attempt at work for the day. I plan to make a simple task that should take about 10 minutes last me up until lunch. Wish me luck.

9:22 I hear the clicking sound that only nails being clipped could create. Someone is sitting in their cubicle right now clipping their nails. With a nail clipper. In their cubicle.

9:40 Just went downstairs to the deli for breakfast. I did my best to sneak by my boss with my bagel in hand, as all Genericorp employees are not allowed to eat outside of their designated lunch hour, or leave their chair for any reason other than to check the fax machine, make a copy, or pee. On top of that, I will avoid my boss at any cost (Poor people like avoiding their boss).

10:31 My phone just rang again, and I am forced to pick it up and talk to someone about work. Some people have no consideration for the fact that others are trying to not get their work done.

12:36 I’ve been so busy with brain melting work that I forgot I was doing this post. I’m lying. I was on Stereogum.

12:38 Do you ever just look around your cubicle at all of your old post-its? They seem really meaningless compared to when you actually posted them up….and they were pretty meaningless then, too.

12:46 Lunch is at 1. So I usually leave about now. It sometimes results in lashings in the conference room (I’m exaggerating. I’ll probably get a dirty look followed by a condescending email from my boss).

1:56 I’m back from lunch 4 minutes early, but don’t worry! I plan to sit here and stare at the screen until exactly 2:00pm, at which point I will commence not working.

2:37 Man I wish today was Birthday cake day…

3:39 I prepare to go downstairs and make a personal call on my cell phone. Making personal calls is especially difficult when your cubicle is placed relateivly towards the center of your office. You are, quite literally, surrounded by cubicles. Your co-workers (and in some cases, your supervisor[s]) are close enough to hear every detail of your conversation. Be back in 5.

3:56 Oh, happy day! Tomorrow is cake!

4:20 Attempting to apply for jobs while at work, though I’m also pretty busy trying to rationalize staying here. Remember, you will never get that raise. But who needs a raise when Genericorp has such great benefits?

4:32 It’s so not 5:30 right now. I haven’t done any work since noon.

4:45 I just found this awesome site to trade gift cards. That killed 10 minutes.
*They did not pay for that link. We don’t make money. We’re poor.

4:47 Garbage collection time! This means the end of the day is near. I can almost taste the sweet flavor of freedom! I love when all of my discarded paperwork is taken away once and for all. It’s one of the few thrills of my day.

5:05 It’s still not 5:30, but it’s getting ominously close! About 3 people have made their way outside for that last cigarette break of the day, everyone is rustling their papers, coats, and bags, and the general dead-quiet that lasts for the bulk of the day is starting to slowly fade.

5:12 I just realized that my George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown desk calendar is still on last Friday. Poor people love to decorate their cubicles with things like desk calendars and pretend that they are in a somewhat comfortable setting for 8 hours of their day. 305 days left….err….298.

5:15 I am usually exaggerating, but it is usually not by that much.

5:16 14 minutes left…

5:17 13…

5:18 12…here goes my restless leg syndrome…

5:19 11…

5:20 10! 10! 10! I want to see the sun again! We’re almost there! Don’t give up now!

5:32 I want my overtime.


Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

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