Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Single and Looking: Notes From a Poor Person's Job Hunt

Sometimes I apply to jobs and I think, "this is the one."

"This is a great cover letter and I have all the experience necessary to get this job."

"Everything about this job is seemingly perfect."

"It has all of the qualities I am looking for in a job."

Then I visualize having the job, and what it will be like getting the indicated salary.

"I could make a considerable life upgrade with this kind of salary. I could turn HBO and Showtime back on, or maybe even get a car."

"The HR department says there are programs for educational assistance. I can start my masters!"

"Maybe I’ll figure out what a 401K is."

I obsess over the Google map and see what's located near the new office!

"Only 2 blocks from Pret A Manger. They have great croissants!"

"Only 1 block from a yoga studio. I could take yoga and be healthy!"

I imagine the commute and the office atmosphere.

"It would only take me 20 minutes to get there from home!"

"I hope that they have a casual work environment like the ad promised."

"I bet they have windows!"

I automatically skip ahead, and my expectations get unrealistically high.

"Wow, my potential boss is a really wonderful mentor. He/she wants me to succeed."

“If I work as an assistant at XXX for a year or two, I could be in a position to be CEO before I’m 30!”

"I can tell I will be appreciated for all of the hard work I do at this company."

"I will get a raise after only 6 months."

Slowly, I come back to reality.

"They will probably never even read my email."

"If I'm lucky, I'll get one of those condescending, automated 'thanks for applying!' responses."

"They must be getting 1,000 resumes a day in this ec0nomy."

After my first few weeks, I'll start to notice a few rather strange things.

"Do they think they can just pay me in pizza?"

"Why is there so much turn-over in this office?"

I'll grow to hate it within a year and resent even its best qualities.

"I wish my co-worker would stop playing his ipod so loudly."

"I'd rather die then go to work today."

Happy Hunting,

Friday, July 17, 2009

People in Pizza Slice Costumes Becoming Pizzas

Of all the great ideas we've had at PPLP while diligently pretending to be working, this one somehow eluded us. Poor people love pointless, oddball concepts. They also love summer Fridays. Goodbye workweek, hello [moderate] fun [via frugal spending].


You know where this is going...via Twitter.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Poor People Like Free McMochas

McDonald’s will be giving away free iced mochas every Monday until August -- in an effort to promote their takeover of Starbucks, I mean, McCafĂ©s. Put it in Outlook.

I mean, their coffee is better than their McPizzas. Remember them? Ick.

And then there are the people that just use McDonalds as pizza toppings. Please stop, you're making us look bad.

::head tilt::


::stare down, as the smile fades::

Have a nice weekend,

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Poor People Like Covering for their Boss

Every time a bigwig goes down (ehem… Sarah Palin… ehem) we know it’s because some cubicle dweller in her office finally got tired of covering her ass. It’s the first rule in any corporation (which goes three-fold for politics) -- cover your ass. Whether it’s hiding a paper trail or making excuses for the company being unable to afford coffee, it’s always the lowest level that gets blamed. Luckily, we love it. We thrive on the game of misdirection. It’s the reason most poor people cheat and steal for fun. We love lying! We assume that this experience, plus a few viewings of the CEO’s Glengarry Glen Ross bit, is the same as studying for an MBA; an MBA a better company would have paid for you to get.

So, next time your boss asks you to make up a reason why his weekend in Puerto Rico is on his expense report, or put together a letter to all employees explaining why everyone will have to provide their own toilet paper, draw from some of the best excuses we’ve heard at PPLP.

5. She stepped out for coffee, I expect her back mid-August.
4. She’s on a non-smoking cigarette break.
3. Why? Don’t you live with your parents?
2. What do you mean you can’t live in NYC on 25K a year, the cost of living only went up 2%!
1. We already provided pizza!

Sensitivity Trainer
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Poor People Like Leading the Blind

Boss: Why can’t I call England?
PPLP Rep: Because our international calling is blocked.
Boss: Still? I thought we sent a check?
PPLP Rep: We did, last week -- it will take them 7-10 business days to process.
Boss: Our bank says the check has cleared.
PPLP Rep: It still takes 3 days for the check to be applied to our account.
Boss: Whhhy does it take that long?
PPLP Rep: Because it CAN.

(end scene)

Poor People Like Being Ahead of the Curve

“The economy the way it is, pizza’s perfect,” said Mr. Starr, who noted that pizza is relatively gentle on the budgets of consumers and providers.

Um... we noticed.