Friday, November 7, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Yesterday was National Boss's Day, a day to show appreciation to the person who gives you a dirty look every time you come back from lunch a minute late. At first we thought, "finally, a national holiday to celebrate the one and only Bruce Springsteen!" But as it turns out, no one's thought of that yet.
Did you forget to get your boss a gift for National Boss's Day? Yeah, so did we.
"Poor man wanna be rich, rich man wanna be king" - THE BOSS
A Genericorp Company
Thursday, October 16, 2008
-Old Man McCain left his perch on his porch and his liquor cabinet open…
-Shout out to Joe the Plumber... WOOTWOOT!
-Respected political commentators are forced to acknowledge the Batman vs. Penguin debate episode as relevant to the course of modern American history.
A Genericorp Company
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
We could not attempt a top 10 to beat this Scanner list of rich people who look poor. Among the highlights are: #2 Trust Fund Hipsters ('These kids spend a lot of their parents' money to look like they're forced to shop at the Salvation Army. The expensive coke also helps with the "too poor to buy groceries" look'), and #8 Tom from Myspace ('You'd think he might want to change out of that t-shirt and put up a new picture. Maybe he could even afford a digital camera with a better DPI? Stop trying to be "one of us," Tom). Of course, how can you beat a sweaty, pasty pic of Pete Doherty (left)? As Whitney would say, only poor people like crack.
A Genericorp Company
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
There will be new people in the elevator, in the bathroom, at the coffee machine and at the bodega, staring at the menu like they’re searching for the “Catch of the Day” entry. There will be new people to share in the experience of cake day and sales meetings. There will be more human shields to fill up the space between you and your stalker. It will be like visiting a sister chapter of Delta Phi Poor!
If none of these changes are beneficial to you, at least try to find some joy in the first time you witness an unwitting newbie try to get past the neck-tattooed security staff without their ID badge. Keep your eyes straight ahead and your ipod on as you walk past--and then have yourself a little victory party in the elevator. Haha NEWBIE!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
This footage from an office Surveillance video at Mindless Media has recently been making the rounds on the internet. We weren't sure exactly what set off the employee until we found this version with "recovered audio."
All future attempts to Rick Roll co-workers will result in immediate termination from the company. No genericorp employees were injured during the outbreak. However, the summer party has been canceled to cover damage costs, and all employees are expected to volunteer this Saturday to help with the clean up.
A Genericorp Company
Monday, June 9, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Inefficient Computer Programs
Whether it’s the appointment software at the doctor’s office, the eBay lister at the retail store or the affiliate database at Mindless Media, you can bet your bottom dollar (which you’ve seen often) that this program will operate according to how necessary it is for completing your daily tasks. If there is one program that you need all day/everyday in order to get any work done, it is pretty much a guarantee that this will be the most deficient program you use in your entire life. You can try to trick it by pretending you don’t really need to be using it, but it knows better.
Awkward First Days
No matter how casual the dress, atmosphere, or work load, you can be sure that your first day will be unbearably awkward, as if everyone and everything about your new job is going out of its way to terrify you into never coming back. This is also mostly because everyone at your new job is trying their best to give a good first impression. This means; no talking, music, or cigarette breaks. Even though you remember perfectly what your previous job was like on a regular day just days before, it all escapes you as you sit in your new chair, unsure how exactly you’re going to adjust to the height of your new desk, and wondering to yourself how everyone could possibly be so well-behaved.
With every single job comes a ton of guilt, whether it’s your boss, co-workers, the job itself or YOU trying to inflict it. New jobs especially like to pile on the guilt like the toppings at Subway. Ever notice that everyone at your new job is at their desk working before 9am? Ever notice that everyone stays well past 5:30? They all sit in front of their computers working diligently as you continue with the First Day Bitch Work that has been assigned to you, hoping anyone will leave so that you’re not the asshole who left before everyone else. Also, you will notice that everyone chooses to “eat lunch” at their “desk” on your first day, inadvertently quilting you into not going out for your lunch hour.
Yes, no matter where you work or what you do there, if you are poor - you will have a boss. Bosses come in all different forms, some more subtle than others, but all with the same purpose…to make sure you work. Some bosses may appear to be friendly, caring, and genuinely concerned with why you are late or why you threw up in the bathroom after lunch. But at Genericorp, you can be sure of one thing; they care about their job more than they will ever, ever care about you.
Go forward soldiers, but tread lightly.
A Genericorp Company
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Poor people like birthdays because it gives them an opportunity to get 3 things that they love; beer, cake and attention. I'd like to thank the employees here at PPLP for giving me balloons and cake for my birthday. "Balloons are the most visible way to say, 'we're too poor for real presents.'" It's also nice to find a box of cupcakes on your desk in the morning after Mindless Media decides to skip Monthly Cake Day on YOUR month.
A Genericorp Company
Monday, May 19, 2008
How to celebrate your cubicle's special day? Here are some gift ideas that your 3 pieces of wall would love:
- Shag carpeting
- Vacation to LegoLand
- Really big toaster cozy
- Office Max gift cards
- Simpsons desk calendar
- A pebbles chair mat
- Homemade Post-it storybooks
- Wreath made of faxes
The PPLP Team
A Genericorp Company
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
That Would Be the Cherry on My Sundae
[Thuggish teen prances in front of taxi.]
Cabbie: Are you really that poor that you need to walk and get hit by my cab for money?!
Thuggish teen, walking to taxi window: Thats what I do! Mmmhmmm [Eats ice cream slowly at car window.]
--10th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Melissa Anne
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Please take note that this tomfoolery was conducted on our *personal* time.
Friday, April 25, 2008
In the future you can:
· Find out what it means when people say “I’m going away for the weekend”
· Own a car and an apartment at the same time
· Find out what an HD TV is, and then get one
· Finally pay off that trip to Europe you took 3 years ago (and possibly go back)
· Be one of those people that grabs the check at dinner and says “It’s on me”
· Buy the new Portishead album instead of waiting for the leak to hit your illegal downloading site of choice
· Supply refreshments at your own party instead of still instructing guests to “BYOB”
· Relieve the unnecessary stress of scouring your room at the end of the month for things to sell on Craigslist
· No longer curse at your local Coinstar for rejecting a quarter and 2 pennies
· Complete half-finished dental work
· Have dinner and a movie in the same night
· Have a pedicure at a salon that does not double as a peep show/crackhouse/daycare center/fish market
· Purchase unmolested cans of Spaghetti-Os
· Vacation at the Cape during the summer months
· Purchase personalized stationary, which will enable to you stop telling people “Sheridan” is your middle name
· Remove your alias from the Meals on Wheels delivery list
· Stop racing the bar bus boys to the half finished beers
· Throw away your home-sewn manila envelope and Styrofoam cup blanket
· Cancel the monthly screenings for “canned tuna induced” mercury poisoning
· Evict the environmental science graduate students that are renting out your deck
Sensitivity Trainer & Corporate Cog
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
These students have not been out in the real world yet, so they do not realize that their job is so pointless and their worth within the company is so undervalued and unappreciated that they could have a kindergartner managing the phones. These students possess a youthful vigor and optimistic outlook on life you do not find in the college graduates after just one year of work in an office environment. Students still believe what they do matters and that every possible ounce of work they have while in college is going to prepare them for when they do have a real job. It doesn't even come close.
Here are some of the main differences you will find between the Pre-Graduate and the Post...
-Willing to do anything for the good of the company
-Great coffee and snack getter
-Listens to your thoughts and plans, then actually puts them into action
-Reads every email you send and replies
-Doesn't care what they are paid, which normally ranges from little to nothing
-Hopes for a job at Genericorp when they do graduate
-Does as little work as possible by online shopping or chatting on IM with other co-workers within the office
-Would rather make 200 copies and staple them by hand than get a Grande double shot latte with skim milk at the local Starbucks
-Ignores you completely, smiles politely at your racist jokes and then promptly purchases that cute, cheap swimsuit from Gap.com that is going to look fabulous on the beach in September (let's face it, Florida is cheaper in the fall)
-Has your email automatically set to be received in their trash bin
-Scrutinizes every paycheck and checks for errors, has most of their checks already spoken for because most of their little to no money goes to Gap.com
-Prays for a new job… any job
But like I always say, to appreciate the workers you have, you have to have the Interns. After awhile, the interns chirpy nature and willful persistence can become grating on your nerves and you'll find yourself hoping that they will graduate to finally understand what working for a corporation really is…
A Genericorp Company
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Gift Certificate for Red Lobster
On Mother’s Day you take Mama to brunch at Tavern on the Green… For her birthday, you take the Mrs. to dinner at Le Cirque — for Administrative Professionals Day, follow this tried and true method and get a $20 Red Lobster gift certificate for your assistant of 4 years. It’s the perfect gift because it will cover the cost of the lunch menu shrimp platter, but doesn’t encourage her to put out for the crab cake appetizer and cause her to return from lunch 6 minutes late.
Russell Stover Chocolates
Chocolates are the classic gift to show appreciation for the person in your life that has supported and nurtured you over the years, plus it’s conveniently available in a display at the end of the aisle at Duane Reade. Pick up your Trojans, Axe body wash and holiday gifts in one linear sweep of the drug store.
A Free Coffee from Starbucks
Everyone loves Starbucks! What better way to say thank you to your employees then with a complimentary $6 cup of coffee?! The next time you send your employee out for your morning latte and rice crispy treat, be sure to tell them to upgrade to a Grande, and “get yourself a cookie as well! You deserve it!”
Personalized Tea Cozy
There’s no way to make a woman feel older and more socially irrelevant (thereby ensuring she’ll never build up the self-esteem to seek outside employment) than giving her accessories for a tea pot. Other options include an embroidered lumbar pillow or “Cathy Cartoon” screened coffee mugs.
Company Baseball Tickets
Poor people love sports! The perfect gift for any employee would be one night in your 6th row company box seats for [insert local baseball team here]. A perfect spring time gift that is sure to express how much you appreciate them for humoring your incessant and repetitive morning sports banter.
Hooters Hot Wings
If you have the misfortune of having a male assistant, try taking him to lunch at the Hooters, or the Hawaiian Tropic Bar, or giving him a “Girls of Nascar” wall calendar. Anything that keeps him from thinking with the head on his shoulders will keep you at an advantage.
Old reliable! Order a pizza for your entire staff!
Sensitivity Trainer & Corporate Cog
A Genericorp Company
Friday, April 18, 2008
1) More Expenses This is an obvious one. The more money that you have, the bigger your monthly expenses. If you can’t afford a mortgage, car insurance, pets, a vacation house, and eating 3 balanced meals a day, you don’t have to worry about paying for it. This is good news for poor people, who know that going back down to zero after paying rent and utilities is way less complicated than having all of those bills to worry about and all of that money to manage.
2) More Responsibility With every extra dollar that you make comes more and more responsibility. Rich people (your boss’s boss’s boss) have more things to worry about at work than you ever will. They are responsible for all of the employees that work under them, and are the ones running departments (or in some cases, the entire company). All you have to worry about is sitting at your desk and completing your assigned tasks at some point within the next 10 months. Ah, the good life!
3) More Stuff Rich people generally have more stuff than poor people. More stuff means more expenses and more responsibility. For the most part, having the money to buy things that you want leads to big credit card bills, less room in your house(s), and more crap to worry about! Luckily, not having the money for more stuff spares you of these afflictions!
4) More Friends Have you ever noticed that rich people have a lot of friends? This is not a coincidence. When people find out that someone they know has money, they will instantly try subtle (and not so subtle) ways to be a bigger part of their life, thus cashing in on their friend’s success. Some of the added bonuses to having a rich friend are access to their vacation house, first dibs on their season tickets, ordering drinks on their tab, and borrowing their expensive car. To have people constantly calling you asking “What are we doing this weekend?” could become a bit tiresome.
5) More Stress This encompasses all of the examples listed above. The amount of stress that comes with a big salary would be unmanageable for most poor people. Rich people mostly work longer hours, spend less time with their families, have less time off, and suffer through life in ways that only people with money could understand. The more money that you make, the more stress that accumulates in your daily life.
Poor people should thank their lucky star everyday that they are poor, because money is nothing but trouble. So, be happy with your current salary, forget about that raise that you got turned down for, and stop trying to save up for that down payment! The grass is not greener on the other side.
A Genericorp Company
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Seriously? Who's buying this crap?
However, one particluar article really jumped out at me. It featured two full pages of precious advertising space, and was called GetAbstract Biz Book Summaries. This particular service includes reading over 4000 of the best selling managerial and executive business books out there. Each month, GetAbstract will update their library with books they deem worthy of reading, or rather "summarizing." In theory, they are offering you more time to think of ways to cheat your employees out of their hard earned salaries and less time wasted on reading full length books to better your business.
They will cover such classics as:
1. Freakonomics The book that sheds light on the hidden side of everything.
2. Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What the Rich Teach Their Kids About
Money--That The Poor and Middle Class Do Not This title needs no
3. Every title by Jim Cramer
4. How to Win Friends and Influence People this book has been around
so long my father read it to me in the womb. It didn't help.
5. The South Beach Diet You may be wondering why that's thrown in
there. Well whether you know it or not in order to get ahead you must
look like replicas of Barbie and Ken to get ahead.
For more information on any of these books, click on the link below:
Amazon's 10 Most Popular Business Books
But if you want my opinion, which I'm positive you do, these aren't the only tools that are helpful to get your corporation on the same level as Trump or Microsoft. Instead of wasting all of that time and money and ending up having to read all of those boring summaries, you could already have Tivoed and watched Glengerry Glenn Ross, The ultimate guide to running that well oiled machine, better known as Genericorp. And with all of that extra time on your hands, you can think of more efficient ways to torture and belittle your staff.
For more information on this and other crap that just makes us lazier
Are you an employee or Executive Assitant to one of these morons?
Click here: www.jobhuntersbible.com
A Genecorp Company
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
We immediately wondered what the cost of living would be in a place like Pleasant Prairie, or in neighboring Villages of Kenosha County, Wisconsin. Turns out, even for someone living in a big city like Milwaukee, the average cost of living is 37% cheaper then it is in New York City, and a whopping 39.1% cheaper than Los Angeles.
Someone making $41,000 a year in New York City (we should all be so lucky) could maintain the same standard of living in Milwaukee for a mere $25,836; The most noticeable differences being in housing and health care expenses..
Those who actually make $25,836 in New York City will tell you that if their expenses were 37% cheaper, they would probably be a lot happier. Maybe even have a car...go on vacations...you know, stuff people do with money. You'd still be poor, of course; but mathematically, you wouldn't be as poor.
CNNMoney’s #1 Place to Live in the US in 2007? Middleton, Wisconsin
Median home price (2006): $290,269
Average property taxes (2005): $5,067
Pros: Small-town charm; booming economy; extensive parks and bike trails
Cons: Do you like winter?
Many Middletonians commute to Madison, but Middleton proper has a strong pool of jobs too, mainly in the pharmaceutical, tech and medical industries. After business hours, Middleton has more going on than you might expect for a town of 17,000. The beer garden at the Capital Brewery is host to corporate mixers, and there are good restaurants downtown
Now that sounds quaint! There are even more Wisconsin cities on the top 100, including Germantown, New Berlin, and Franklin. There must be something in the water...
“Cost of Living” calculator? Believe it! It's more fun than Famousr.com.
The obvious conclusion: We should all move to Wisconsin.
And it's just lovely.
Consider your secret out.
A Genericorp Company
Group 1: CEO, CFO, COO, President, Executive VPs and High Priestesses
Please, continue with uninhibited extortion of all company assets including company credit cards, corporate gifts and tickets, vacations, parties, dinners and non-union staff.
Group 2: Directors, Coordinators, AEs, Managers and VPs
Use of corporate amenities and unlimited vacation allowances may continue, provided the company continues to outpace last year's numbers and the resulting shenanigans continue to amuse Group 1.
Group 3: Representatives, Analysts and Associates
Group 4: Company owned equipment (including fax, Xerox, computer servers, paper clips and coffee machines) and Corporate Cogs
Keep churning and don't consider moving from your fixed position. Only severe malfunctions will be considered a valid reason to leave the location that the reigning manager had last assigned. Documentation from gastroenterologists and PSEG will be required as evidentiary support.
This is work, not Hôtel de Paris.
A Genericorp Company
Timothy Janus, 31
New York, N.Y.
Patricia Wytroval, 49
Apprentice meat cutter
Grace Jones, 45
Pleasant Prairie, Wis.
Sandra Urena, 35
Atlantic City, N.J.
Jeff Foxworthy, 49
Yep. 10 Mil.
Post-traumatic counseling sessions are available in the HR department starting tonight at 6:01pm.
A Genericorp Company
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Corporate Cog: Yes. Save money. And then when you need money, you have money. You’re supposed to pick something you want and save to get it. And then when you get it, you’re happy for 1hr-1wk depending on what it is and then you’re miserable again.
ST: Is that how it works? That’s weird. I still owe money. I have to save money and owe money at the same time. Mind boggling.
CC: Right, well you won’t have enough money for what you want. You’ll only have some…even after you keep saving. At which point you will have to borrow even more money to get what you want.
ST: So I need to set a goal and save money to get to that goal. I want a career, and my self-respect back… how many more birthday checks until I save enough for that?
CC: Self respect is going for about half a mil these days.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
After consulting with my co-workers, in addition to several minutes on MSN money, I put together an outline to help you plan for the upcoming months.
“Remain calm, all is well.”
Experts recommend not pulling all your money from the stock market. However, you most likely have no portfolio, so you’re probably not panicking about the stock market. The average price per gallon of milk is now over $4. However, Frankenberry is a luxury you gave up in college, so you’re probably not panicking about the cost of groceries. Gas prices are up, and with the summer months approaching, you can look forward to seeing $4 a gallon at the pump--but most likely, you had to trade in your car and buy a bike to commute to work, so don’t worry about the price of a fill-up.
But these problem have cumulative effect… As a result of the rising price of raw ingredients and transportation, you may panic when the cost of previously termed “recession proof foods” rise. That’s right, now they’re charging more for pizza and beer.
The important thing is to remain focused on your savings and earning goals for 2008 and not to panic. Calming breaths, a comprehensive plan and new appreciation of canned tuna will see you through this time.
A recession may be inevitable, so take stock of where you are financially. Do you have an emergency fund? You should always have $500 in an emergency fund. Stock pile now. Do you have any other funds you can utilize at this time? Gift certificates may soon lose their value, put them toward necessities or try to trade them in for cash. Extra Dave and Buster tickets lying around the house? Trade them in for preservative heavy foods that you can subsist on at a later time.
On the home front
Take advantage of the lower interest rates and refinance your vacation home… I mean your condo… I mean your houseboat? trailer? large van? room at your parent's house? aaah nevermind.
Rework your résumé
Some companies are reassessing the size of their staff. Most likely the largest salaries will be the first to be axed. This is good news for your job. The bad news is that non-poor people do not adjust well to being poor. They will most likely go down flailing, taking with them anyone in their path. Do not be in the path of the newly poor. Either way, keep your resume updated and your Hooters tee ready.
Don’t count on credit card rates falling. Allocate as much as you can spare to paying down your cards. Consider taking more work to pull yourself out of the credit abyss. Your savings can later be utilized as start-up capital in your new career, shower cams are expensive.
If all else fails, it’s only nine months until the year-end bonus…
A Genericorp Company
Monday, March 31, 2008
9:22 I hear the clicking sound that only nails being clipped could create. Someone is sitting in their cubicle right now clipping their nails. With a nail clipper. In their cubicle.
9:40 Just went downstairs to the deli for breakfast. I did my best to sneak by my boss with my bagel in hand, as all Genericorp employees are not allowed to eat outside of their designated lunch hour, or leave their chair for any reason other than to check the fax machine, make a copy, or pee. On top of that, I will avoid my boss at any cost (Poor people like avoiding their boss).
10:31 My phone just rang again, and I am forced to pick it up and talk to someone about work. Some people have no consideration for the fact that others are trying to not get their work done.
12:36 I’ve been so busy with brain melting work that I forgot I was doing this post. I’m lying. I was on Stereogum.
12:38 Do you ever just look around your cubicle at all of your old post-its? They seem really meaningless compared to when you actually posted them up….and they were pretty meaningless then, too.
12:46 Lunch is at 1. So I usually leave about now. It sometimes results in lashings in the conference room (I’m exaggerating. I’ll probably get a dirty look followed by a condescending email from my boss).
1:56 I’m back from lunch 4 minutes early, but don’t worry! I plan to sit here and stare at the screen until exactly 2:00pm, at which point I will commence not working.
2:37 Man I wish today was Birthday cake day…
3:39 I prepare to go downstairs and make a personal call on my cell phone. Making personal calls is especially difficult when your cubicle is placed relateivly towards the center of your office. You are, quite literally, surrounded by cubicles. Your co-workers (and in some cases, your supervisor[s]) are close enough to hear every detail of your conversation. Be back in 5.
3:56 Oh, happy day! Tomorrow is cake!
4:20 Attempting to apply for jobs while at work, though I’m also pretty busy trying to rationalize staying here. Remember, you will never get that raise. But who needs a raise when Genericorp has such great benefits?
4:32 It’s so not 5:30 right now. I haven’t done any work since noon.
4:45 I just found this awesome site to trade gift cards. That killed 10 minutes.
*They did not pay for that link. We don’t make money. We’re poor.
4:47 Garbage collection time! This means the end of the day is near. I can almost taste the sweet flavor of freedom! I love when all of my discarded paperwork is taken away once and for all. It’s one of the few thrills of my day.
5:05 It’s still not 5:30, but it’s getting ominously close! About 3 people have made their way outside for that last cigarette break of the day, everyone is rustling their papers, coats, and bags, and the general dead-quiet that lasts for the bulk of the day is starting to slowly fade.
5:12 I just realized that my George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown desk calendar is still on last Friday. Poor people love to decorate their cubicles with things like desk calendars and pretend that they are in a somewhat comfortable setting for 8 hours of their day. 305 days left….err….298.
5:15 I am usually exaggerating, but it is usually not by that much.
5:16 14 minutes left…
5:18 12…here goes my restless leg syndrome…
5:20 10! 10! 10! I want to see the sun again! We’re almost there! Don’t give up now!
5:32 I want my overtime.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
An organized desk is a happy desk. There is no disputing this. If you are uncomfortable in the office, it is probably because your desk is untidy and your work is unfinished. Try finishing the report that was due last week, or re-alphabetizing the files on your desk. You will undoubtedly feel more accomplished and at home in your work space.
During morning hours, some of our employees like to play the radio at their desks at a low volume. It puts people at ease to hear the gentle music of liteFM and hum along to their favorite song from Jon Secada, Counting Crows, All Saints, Cyndi Lauper, The Sugar Hill Gang, Gwar, or the original soundtrack of the Never Ending Story.
We do not see the need to invest in corporate mediators or in house HR at Genericorp. However, we do believe in the healing properties of plants and encourage our employees to stop by the palm in the entranceway whenever they wish to experience the tranquility of nature.
Exercise is the best way to release endorphins, and endorphins make you happy… since the company requires a 70 hour work week, and has otherwise decorated and arranged the office for optimal suppression of joy-- we offer discounted gym memberships. Workers can enjoy 10% off memberships to a pre-selected gym where they can exercise in the cocoon-like sanctity of another small grey room and work themselves to a state of physical exhaustion on par with the mental exhaustion inflicted by a corporate setting.
Co-workers often like to bond over “happy hours” or “dinners.” However, we recommend that you try drinking even when you are alone. Honing this habit early in life is critical to developing the level of apathy required to survive corporate life for over 6 months.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
· You have a toothbrush, deodorant, and change of clothes stashed in a filing cabinet somewhere.
· You buy things that you don’t need for your apartment, but conclude, “That would be perfect for my cubicle.”
· You’ve wondered aloud what type of benefits Mr. Smithers has…hmm…
· You’ve considered emailing IT when your internet porn has frozen.
· You’ve tried to set up a friend by sending his Vcard to the new girl in accounting.
· Your kitchen faucet, armchair, steering wheel and shower loofah are covered in post-it notes.
· You have set an Outlook reminder for March 26th, Road Rules/Real World Gauntlet 3 Reunion Special.
· Even in the privacy of your own home, you catch yourself looking over your shoulder before logging on to your MySpace page.
· You bind your grocery and to do lists.
· You called a lunch meeting with your 8 year-old to discuss his personal internet usage and phone time.
· When your cell phone rings, it takes you about 5 seconds to remember where you are and what greeting you’re supposed to use.
· You replace your patio furniture with tents to keep out the oppressive sunlight.
· You try to transfer your roommate's calls to her voicemail.
· While visiting your mother’s house, you enter the bathroom and inadvertently reach about the toilet for a seat cover.
· You conclude voicemails to your mother with, “Please call back at your earliest possible convenience to confirm.”
· While making phone calls on your commute home, you continue to use codenames for all your co-workers.
· When you are home between the hours of 9-5 on a weekday, you feel disoriented and seek solace in your blackberry.
· You have written an angry letter comparing the contents of the vending machines on floor 3 vs. floor 4.
· You know damn well that “Mary Richards” was a cutter.
· You flash your ID at your cat as you enter your apartment.
A Genericorp Company
Sunday, March 23, 2008
As you read the following excerpt from the article (I highlighted some of my favoritest points!), you might find it really hard to believe that rich people were this forward thinking way back in the 40's. This was recently verified as "true" on Snopes.com Urban Legends Reference Pages. However, we here at PPLP have discovered that these helpful tips for getting more efficiency out of your female workers is still actively used today. It is published regularly in new edition's of The Rich Person's Handbook.
"There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shorrtage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. They still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much in keeping women happy."
I'll keep all of those in mind!
A Genericorp Company
Monday, March 17, 2008
Be sure to not only gip your employees out of these said “holidays,” but remind them via email that just in case they forgot (or thought for some ridiculous reason that they would have off for a holiday), they do not get a holiday, “floating” holiday, or even a short afternoon. THEY STILL WORK HERE.
‘If you did not fight in a war and have all of your limbs, you can come into work.’
‘Everyone knows this story is bogus anyway. We will be open for business on this day. However, feel free to wear your “Kiss me I’m Italian” t-shirt.’
‘Lots of people hang on crosses. There’s no need to get a day off. Please be on time, and do not attempt to nail yourself to the file cabinet in protest.’
Martin Luther King Jr. Day
‘MLK was cool and all, but I have a dream that we can all manage to get our work done today.’
‘We have a President everyday. There is no need to get a day off for this.’
‘Fireworks are not until 9:30 anyway. You can work and celebrate a birthday at the same time. We do it every month.’
‘I never really understood the significance of Labor Day, except it’s your last chance to wear white, which you can do while working.’
‘We’ve decided that there are too many Jewish holidays, and have since abolished all of them.’
‘Try doing this in the 1800’s with no heat and a crippled kid and have some real problems. You can work today.’
New Year’s Eve
‘Regardless of the fact that Mindless Media is located in the heart of Times Square, you can manage to get through the crowd and numerous police barricades and come to work.’
A Genericorp Company
As a boss, the most effective way to counteract such prejudices is to apply certain interpersonal communication strategies to conversing with employees.
First--Smile. Always smile. If you smile, your employees will smile. There is nothing more effective than an office populated by smiling employees. Employees should be at their wall-locked cubicles smiling and whistling as if they were headed to the mines with Doc and Dopey. They can learn a lesson from that band of dwarfs! Sure, Bashful developed bronchitis, Sleepy was struck down with a case of silicosis, and the brothers lost Happy to TB (at his funeral, the remaining dwarfs where unable to handle his casket due to a long festering case of rheumatism), but that didn’t change their overall demeanor. Smiling promotes harmony.
Establish a common bond. Surely poor people must like some of the movies or shows you like, and are secretly yearning to hear your opinion of these treasured shows. Be topical when choosing an episode to discuss-- Did you hate the twist at the end of 24 last night? Make sure to tell the entire office about it. Whether they watch or not, whether they saw the episode or not, make sure to spread it around.
It also important to harp on the things you didn’t like the MOST. Tell everyone what shows you think suck and which movies are most undeserving of an Oscar. If they disagree, they will surely speak up and engage you in playful banter about the merits of the movie or show! This could be a nice bonding activity for you to share. However, it is important that you always win the argument; shut down the discussion if you are losing ground… you do not want your employees to lose respect for you.
Lastly, engage in common experiences. Try to hold events in honor of the company and allow the employees to join in. Celebrate anniversaries and milestones of company. While at the event, it is fully acceptable to initiate a conversation about the rising awesomeness of the company and the celebration. Later, you will have a deep bond with each attendee that you can conveniently harken back to with little more than a nod of the head and a shared, “That was awesome.”
A Genericorp Company
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Here are some things to consider when thinking about getting a “better” job:
Personal Internet Use: What’s the downtime factor at your current job? Have you compared the amount of money you make to the amount of time you actually spend doing work-related activities on the computer? Sometimes, it isn’t worth the trouble of a job change. Sure, you could make more money somewhere else, but at Mindless Media, you can realistically get away with not doing a minute of work on any given day. Myspace, Facebook, and commenting on the new Stuff That White People Like post can occupy hours of your day without anyone even noticing. Also, consider the position of your cubicle, and the angle in which your monitor is facing. Is this out of the view of your supervisor, or would he/she have to stand up or walk across the office to really get a look at your screen?
Office Hours: Does anyone really give a shit if you’re on time? Consider this very carefully before applying for new jobs. After a few months of being 5-20 minutes late on a daily basis, your boss has either decided to continually let it go, or fire you. Chances are, they will not fire you. They have someone at their company who is willing to work for what they pay them. They will likely not want to give this up. Also consider your lunch break; do you often leave 10 minutes early and come back 10 minutes late? If you get a new job, that will not fly until you have at least broken in the job for 6 months. That’s a long time, considering that the minimal pay increase will seem just as insufficient as your current salary in no time.
The Commute: What’s the commute like to your job? Often times, people go as far as to move in order to decrease travel time door to door. If your commute is under an hour, you should keep this job. If you’ve already moved to be closer to your office, getting a new job would be rather silly. Chances are, the new job will either be farther away, or require that you move in order to get there (unless you don’t value sleep, free time, or yourself in general). Also, even if you think it may be easier to get to said “better job,” you’ll find in less than a week that the commute is not only about the same, but in most cases, 10-15 minutes worse. The chances of finding something worth the trouble that is actually closer to where you live now is unrealistic and foolish. Best to stay put.
Dress code: Do you get away with jeans and sneakers on days not designated with the prefix “Casual”? Do you often enjoy “Casual Wednesday,” “Casual Tuesday,” and yes, even “Casual Monday”? Then do yourself a favor and stay where you are! Getting a new job will not only entail the torture of a job interview, second interview, and the proverbial “first day” (in some cases, “first week”), but it will most likely require better dress, which means relatively matching outfits, weekly trips to the Laundromat, and shopping sprees that you wont be able to afford (even with the new salary). If it’s a “better” job, it usually means you have to dress better. Is this what you really want?
Being Comfortable: Lastly (and most importantly), are you comfortable at your current job? Isn’t it nice to already know everyone that you work with, who to avoid, and how to finagle your boss into thinking that you’re a good employee? Is your cubicle decorated with desk calendars, posters, and gifts from co-workers? That monitor you put all of the cute stickers on… you won’t be able to bring it to your new office! Think about this before you do anything rash. Imagine settling in to a new work environment, having to meet all new people, and redecorating your cubicle with the semblance of what little of a personality you have left… Again! Do you really want to learn how to do a whole new batch of tedious tasks, just when you got the ones you have now under control?
And, of course, there’s the free pizza…
A Genericorp Company
Monday, March 10, 2008
Most offices today opt for a general-business causal office dress code. However people cheat-- Jeans, Uggs, sweatshirts and flip flops are bound to appear in your office when strict consequences are not enforced. Discourage flexible codes by strictly defining your dress code. Require all men to wear ties and all women to wear skirts with stockings to the office. The more time employees devote to choosing office attire, the more they must care about employment with the company.
Furthermore, to impress outside clients (which is in the best interest of the company), consider banning all light wash denim, short sleeved dress shirts and themed ties. Carl Lagerfeld will thank you.
Nothing can divide a group of people like a discussion of religion or politics. To ensure that your employees do not engage in these debates, abolish the holiday schedule all together. No holiday greetings, gifts, discussions or parties-- at Genericorp, we all worship the same way-- with WORK. Employees will be grateful for the decrease in tension at the winter solstice.
3. Gender specific departments
Ever notice that 99% of IT is male, sales is all male (often highlighted by one testosterone fueled, hard partying female), data processing/reception/secretarial services are female, promotions/PR/marketing… all female. Coincidence? Self fulfilling prophecy? Patriarchal tyranny? No. A simple and effect business model? Yes.
What’s the best way to unite a sports team? A shared appreciation of athletic competition? A focused path to a common goal? No. Gary Glitter’s song, "Rock and Roll" (… HEY!) Try this in the office.
Try to establish a company-wide catch phrase to repeat to all employees-- it’s best to spread appreciation for the designated phrase with heavy repetition.
When hiring an employee, you want to give the illusion of respect and importance, but in fact only supply about 70% of what humans actually require. For example, you give a new hire a title that does not come with any authority, so they can order a nameplate for their desk, business cards for their briefcase, and create fun, new signature for their email without having to deal with the authority and independent decision making responsibilities. For this new impotent associate, you offer a salary that is about 70% of what is expected, but with medical coverage-- just enough to be considered a decent full-time salary with benefits, but without providing complete fulfillment.
Further benefits include that cubicles cut down on unnecessary eye contact and conversation between future conspirators. Employees either have to stand to converse with one another (which immediately puts them in the general office field of vision), or they can correspond via email, where they can be monitored. They surely will not notice the security cameras being installed while arranging the picture frames in their stall in aisle 4, row B.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
These are songs that poor people like.
The first installment in an endless series of Songs That Poor People Like Top 10’s covers the songs that Poor People Like to Sing Along to in Bars. As the Mindless Media Sensitivity trainer once told me, “Poor people like to sing; like in church and on American Idol.” As you read down this list, you may think that this is a Top 10 Songs That Poor People Like to Sing Along to in Bars in 1986. Butitisn’t. You can hear these songs sung gloriously RIGHT NOW at any bar where poor people like you and me go to drown themselves in their miseries and forget that they, in fact, work here.
The Top 10 Songs That Poor People Like to Sing Along to in Bars
10. “Born in the USA” by Bruce Springsteen
Ah, a classic. A staple in rugged, blue collar, hard-working Americana. Though this is actually the most bold and unabashed musical expression of Anti-American sentiments ever made (Got in a little hometown jam/So they put a rifle in my hand/Sent me off to a foreign land/To go and kill the yellow man), people still love to embrace this as a flag-wavin’, football lovin’, campaign rockin’ American Bar Song. Expect this to pop on the jukebox relatively early in the night (let’s say, 10:35PM on a Saturday/8:45PM on a weekday). No one knows any lyrics besides the actual line “Born in the U.S.A.,” so it’s not as much of a drunken sing-a-long as you would expect (but still deserves a place on the list). Poor people love Bruce!
9. “American Pie” Don McLean
Even if you think this song is a bit dated and really doesn’t fit on this list anymore, you’re absolutely wrong. I’ve sung along to this song at a bar within the last year, and let me tell you – it was fun. Why? Because I’m poor. What’s fun about singing along to this song is the fact that there are so many lyrics (arguably 14 verses). It’s impossible to A) Actually remember all of these lyrics even if you’re an avid fan of the song, and B) Remember more than half of the lyrics after a couple of drinks. Poor people like to sing along at bars and prove to their friends that they know all of the words. The combination of drunk poor people and a song with a lot of lyrics (ie: “Rapper’s Delight,” any Eminem song) always makes for a good time.
8. “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
I know. You think this song is dated too, but again; you’d be wrong. I also have a pretty successful sing-a-long to this classic bar song in recent memory. Poor people love to sing about Alabama. The song is actually a pretty complex political statement, but absolutely no one actually cares, or pays any attention to the lyrics as they sing them. This and “Born in the U.S.A.” will definitely be on my “Top 10 Political Songs That Poor People Like to Misinterpret”…
7. “Free Fallin’” by Tom Petty
What do you get if you make a rock song about a good girl who’s crazy about Elvis, loves Jesus (and her boyfriend too)? A song that poor people like to listen to in bars! Not only do poor people like to get drunk and rip through this first verse with impeccable vocal precision, but poor people also love to cover this song in a bar with their band! Every poor person who owns a guitar (it’s probably one of those $400 Fender Strats from guitar center, isn’t it?) knows how to strum that D chord opener and get all of their poor friends to sing along. ‘Cause I’m freeeeee-eee-ee.
6. “I Love Rock ‘n' Roll” by Joan Jett
Contrary to popular belief (thanks to Brit-Brit), “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll” was not written by Pat Benatar (In fact, it wasn’t even written by Joan Jett. The original version of the song was written in the 70’s by British band, The Arrows). What makes this such a great Bar Song for Poor People? Well, any song you can pound your fist to is an automatic bar hit (one hand pumping, one hand holding beer). Any song with that “We Will Rock You” drum beat and loud, distorted, crunchy hard rock guitars is also a winner. Of course, the line “Put a another dime in the jukebox, baby,” is the real breaker. Poor People Love To Remember When Things Were Less Expensive. Dime? Man, those were the days.
5. “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond
Probably would also be on the Top 10 List of Songs Poor People Like to Listen to at Baseball Games (coming soon), “Sweet Caroline” has become the underdog champion of drunken sing-a-longs (as far as Neil Diamond songs are concerned). Did you know this song was written about a photograph of Caroline Kennedy? When she was, like, 10? When you hear the line “good times never seem so good,” be sure to shout, “SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD.” Blame Boston for this one. Thanks.
4. “Poor Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard
If Def Leppard didn’t sit around the studio while recording Hysteria saying, “We really need a song that poor people can sing along to in bars,” I’ll be really, really shocked. I mean, if you could get royalties for jukebox plays in bars where poor people drink, Def Leppard’s Great, Great Grandchildren would be set on this track alone. If this song does not come on at your bar, you’re probably at a bar where poor people go to pretend they are rich and cool. FYI: Indie = Poor.
3. “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC
I have pretty much the same sentiments for this as above. Just replace “Def Leppard” with “AC/DC,” “Hysteria” with “Back in Black,” etc. There isn’t a poor soul on Earth who doesn’t love to sing the words, “She was a fast machine/she kept her motor clean” at the top of their lungs while drunk. Not one.
2. “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey
I can’t not sing this song. Just the mere mention of it makes me want to youtube it, plug my headphones in to the computer (no one else needs to know), and imagine that moment in the night when everything becomes clear, you just started your "one more drink" drink, and you decide that you “can't leave until this song is over.” For many poor people, this song has obtained even more sentimental value from its usage in the last scene of the Sopranos finale, despite the fact that many poor people do not have HBO (see #8 of the Top 10 Things Your Employee Would Prefer Over a Raise). This is the song for the climax of the night. Whether you’re playing pool, watching the last inning of the Yankees game, making out in the bathroom, or licking the wing sauce off of your fingers, you will DROP EVERYTHING to sing along to this song. EVERYTHING.
Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues. The movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on.
Don't stop believing.
Hold on to that feeling.
Christ, that’s good shit. And I’m not even drunk.
1. “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
It was extremely hard to decide on the #1 for this list. After consulting Mindless Media’s Sensitivity Trainer and Corporate Surviver, it was unanimously decided that this is the #1 song for this list, any list…or frankly, anything. I don’t really see how anyone can argue with this. #1 Song Poor People Like To Do ANYTHING To. I’m at a loss for words.
This is…the ultimate fist-pumping, beer drinking, sing-a-long drunken anthem for absolutely anything; Sporting events big and small, bars, parties, concerts that aren’t even Bon Jovi’s, late night drives on the Garden State, etc. Even if you don’t like Bon Jovi at all, it doesn’t fucking matter. You will shout every word to this at the top of your lungs, and you’ll like it! This song is so monumental and extraordinary, that not only do poor people sing it and inject the phrase “Livin’ on a prayer” into regular conversation on a daily basis, but even Jon Bon Jovi himself references this song in about 87 of his other songs.
What makes this song so important to poor people is that the song itself represents the very struggle of being poor. Tommy and Gina have become the two most significant fictional poor people in the history of poor people. When the union’s on strike, you’ve been working the diner all day, and you cry in the night, baby it's OK 'cause we’ve got each other and that’s a lot.
For love, we’ll give it a shot….
A Genericorp Company
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Some of the below information may be disturbing to read. We have pulled the below quotes directly from The Rich Person’s Handbook:
“Humor is also a way of wasting time. Some ignorant studies that have supposedly been thoroughly researched are incorrect. Laughter has no place in a person’s work. It does not make morale higher or make anyone more energetic. Laughter is a waste of time, and frankly it just sounds like screeching nonsense. Poor people are always trying to come up with new ways to do as little work as possible; this is one of the worst problems we as managers face. To abolish laughter altogether would be ideal. However, we see that a poor person’s intelligence is to be questioned and that they would never be able to grasp the concept.”
-John D. Rockefeller of Standard Oil
“A sense of a humor in a poor person is very suspicious indeed. Be careful to listen for their sarcastic, bitter remarks on the institution. Often you will find a Dilbert calendar hanging in their cubicle or a mug full of coffee stains that states how bored they are with life. Beware of their seemingly witty banner. They are trying to draw you into their own web of deceit and pathetic helplessness. Do not stoop to their level.”
-Donald Trump of Trump Industries
“Furthermore, when you find yourself in the above situation, try your best to not make direct eye contact; But make sure to mutter under your breath inappropriate remarks. You can often times get away with a sarcastic remark of your own about their work ethic or lack there of. Most times, it is lack thereof.”
-Martha Stewart of Martha Stewart Living
As you can tell from the above quotations, your supervisor, also known as a rich person, does not trust you. Does not care about you. Does not even like you. They want you to do your job and keep your personality to yourself. Do not assert your own originality, because it will not be welcomed or acknowledged. You are brought in and paid the lowest amount to do the most mundane of jobs. You are to eat, sleep and breathe that job. Work is no place for friendship or respect.
The office is your life. Your life is the office.
My advice to all of you cogs in the wheel; Get out. Get out now.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
1. Make coffee at home to bring in the morning: Forget the $6 soy latte or the $7 Jamba juice, and bring homebrewed coffee to work in the morning. Not only will you be able to save your $10 per week coffee allowance, but you will be able to make full use of the "World's Best Worker" mug you received in lieu of a Christmas bonus.
2. Reassess your utilities, see where you can cut back on cable and phone services: If your home utilities are a chunk of your monthly earnings, it's time to re-examine your expenditures. Considering the amount of time you are at home to actually watch television, are these services worth the price? Increase your personal internet usage and long distance phone calls at work, and cut your home packages to the base package. Consider stealing a neighbor's cable and wireless internet. If they continue to pay for the platinum packages, they're asking for it.
The local library is a wealth of free books, DVDs and CDs available for free!
WARNING: Although socialist principles may work at the public library, don't repeat any of these ideas in the office. Work is no place for the expansion of knowledge and free flow of ideas.
3. Shop for used clothes: "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." But with no chance of advancing out of the job you currently have... save your money, 'cause you can't save your dignity.
4. Take advance of your company's pretax options: Many companies allow you to purchase medical supplies or bus/train tickets pre-tax. Consider the stipend for a years worth of antacids, wrist braces and Lysol every January to reap the full benefits of these incentives.
5. Cut your own hair and start formulating your own makeup: See #3
6. Wean yourself off solid foods: Once cut with preservatives and fillers, liquid food and dietary supplements are cheaper alternatives to complete meals... also easier to eat on the go or hide from predatory co-workers.
7. Establish a monthly budget: The cardinal rule of personal finance is to establish a monthly budget and make sure to keep at least $500 dollars available for emergency expenses. Should you have a problem with your car, home, or require a post-evaluation bender, you will not want to put these expenses on your credit card - that will come back to haunt you later.
In addition, Genericorp offers a 401K to all full time, non-union employees. To reap the full benefits of the 401 K, it's best to start now. Saving only 40 dollars a month starting in your twenties could put you in a place for financial success in the future.
(That is, if the country doesn't go into a recession, bank rates cease their decent into the crapper, you manage to keep your full investment in the face of divorce proceedings or IRS audits, and you do not cash out due to lawsuit, medical expenses or child support.)
Scraping every penny together now and forgoing vacations, legal stimulants, safe transportation, professional grooming services, nights/weekends/holidays, nutritionally complete meals, intact footwear, decade appropriate clothing, dental care, and dignity, can put you on the straight and narrow to a marginally good retirement facility in Tom's River, NJ before your children hit retirement.
A Genericorp Company