Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hope You Had Fun on Your Vacation, But You Have Swine Flu

PPLP would like to relay this important information to our readers...

"Subject: Hope you had fun on your vacation

The management at Mindless media would like to send out some important information to its employees who have recently vacationed in any area where swine flu has been spreading. Your 10 working days of vacation time are essential to our compliance with company policy, and we hope you enjoyed those few precious days out of the office. However, we would like to make sure you do not infect your co-workers with swine flu.

As your employer, we would like to warn you of the following symptoms of swine flu:

Aching fingers: You may think this is connected to the dozens of excel sheets you've been putting together for the past year, or possibly even a symptom of carpal tunnel, but it is actually swine flu
Itchy eyes: Though there was no spring in the metro area and it went from being 40 to 80 degrees within a week, this is not allergies. You have swine flu.
Stomach aches: If you had any bacon from the Europa on the corner within the last month, you have swine flu.
Headaches: That pounding headache you have nearly 24 hours a day is not from being over-worked and under-paid, it's from swine flu.
A tan: If you have a tan from your recent vacation to Mexico, you have swine flu.

On behalf of all upper management, we'd like to say welcome back to the office! Hope you had fun on your vacation, but you have swine flu.

Oh… you’re insurance doesn’t cover swine flu.

Genericorp Human Resources Management Department"

Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Monday, April 20, 2009

Poor People Like Service?

Leave it to the kids of the G Metropolitan stop to put this wonderfully sarcastic service announcement prank together. While it pales in comparison to a good poster boy prank (who incidentally said he's leaving New York if there's another fare hike), we're very impressed with its massive cynicism and backhanded bitterness. Sadly, you could make one of these for every stop in New York City. Won't someone save the G train already? (Via Gothamist)


Friday, April 17, 2009

Poor People like Metaphors

"The world is filled with talented poor people. All too often, they’re poor or struggle financially or earn less than they are capable of, not because of what they know but because of what they do not know. They focus on perfecting their skills at building a better hamburger rather than the skills of selling and delivering the hamburger. Maybe McDonald’s does not make the best hamburger, but they are the best at selling and delivering a basic average burger."

Robert T. Kiyosaki
Author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Poor People Like Free Ice Cream

"Cinnabon is commiserating with taxpayers via its giveaway slogan "Tax Day Bites!" It's offering free Classic Bites today from 5 to 8 p.m., while supplies last. The number of bites given to each customer varies by store. The offer is valid at participating U.S. mall-based bakeries -- not at Cinnabon outlets in airports or travel plazas. No coupon is needed and no purchase is necessary.Taco Del Mar's slogan goes a step further: "Taxes $uck. Tacos Don't." You will need to fill out an online form and provide an e-mail address to retrieve the coupon -- the "free Taco 1099" -- for your tax day taco. MaggieMoo's Ice Cream and Treatery is offering free single-scoop ice cream cones to all comers throughout the day. Check out the company's site for the MaggieMoo's nearest you."

--Compliments of MSN Money

Also check out recommendations from...

USA Today and Yahoo , mmm... Chik-Fil-A. I wonder if they serve pizza.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Poor People's Guide to the Recession Part I

We here at PPLP have felt the recession just like everyone else. Some of us are unemployed, and the rest still hate our jobs. People are risking career changes and cross country moves to stay ahead. But is all that really necessary, especially when you already live below the poverty line? A couple more tweaks and you’ll be able to once again live like a queen on the salary of a part time assistant (crack whore/crossing guard). No severance package? No problem!

Over the next few weeks/months/years, we will be looking at how us poor people can cut back on expenses even further than we already are and survive the battle against the, recession.

Sell your stuff: There's plenty of businesses that haven't closed down and will buy back your things for half price. Get rid of those books that clutter up your home on Amazon, have people bid on your grandmother's brooch on eBay, and sell that old gold you never wear at Cash4Gold. And then there's Craigslist. What did we do before good old Craig came along? You can put anything from the kitchen table to yourself on this site and it will sell! So if you're having some money problems, the first thing to do is get rid of everything your roommate didn't staple down.

Become your own handyman: There are a lot of small tasks that we have become accustomed to outsourcing. Dry cleaning, tailoring, oil changes, house painting - just to name a few. Now is the time to learn to address these challenges yourself. Do you need a plumber to snake your drain, or a licensed technician to address your ant infestation? No! You have rubber gloves and wikiHow ($1.99 and free).

Become a Freegan: With the recession still raging on all over the country there seems to be only one clear choice: Freeganism. This philosophy was being followed by millions of homeless people before yuppies ever came up with a word for it. Now that we all seem to be on the cusp of unemployment, Freeganism is the next religion. Don't feel guilty if you have to dumpster dive for your next meal, squat in the nearest crack house in Brooklyn, or simply hitchhike out of town when the Dow plummets again. Thousands are doing it, so why shouldn't you? Remember, it's an alternative lifestyle for an alternative world.

Don't eat: Pre-recession, eating was considering a necessity of life. Now-a-days, eating 2-3 balanced meals a day is a lavish luxury that only employed, upper middle class citizens should enjoy. Imagine how much less stressful the last week of the month would be if you didn't eat! I've already spent $10 eating today and it's not even 2pm. This is clearly a waste of money. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, poor people spend 12% of their yearly budget on food. So, if this is your 4th job on an entry level salary (let's say 40k - LOLz), you can expect to spend $4,800 a year on cup-a-noodles and Joe's Pizza. Not eating could generate 2 1/2 months rent at that 2nd floor walk-up in Crown Heights, or possibly erase 1/4 of your mounting credit card debt.

Steal: It's a well known fact that stealing is OK when you are doing it to save money. That's why it's especially OK during an economic recession. Now, we are certainly not advocating skipping out on checks in restaurants (what are you doing eating anyway?) or walking out of Target with a new pair of shoes on and leaving your worn out 3 year old vans in the store (what are you doing shopping anyway?). What we do advocate is using someone else's internet connection from your laptop, getting your movies from The Pirate Bay, hooking up a hot box for your cable channels, and the occasional loot.

Stay tuned for more tips on surviving these tough economic times from your friends at Poor People Like Pizza.

-Team PPLP

Poor People Like Looting

I'm currently in the process of re-furnishing my living room on a budget of (preferably) $0. So far, I'll be spending $40 on a U-Haul van and some "moving sale" bargains on Craigslist (more on the beauty of Craigslist to come), so I'm already $40 over budget.

However, I was just reminded of the lost art of looting, which is apparently alive and well in the specific location of nowhere (Craigslist Brooklyn, to be vague). Whether this is pure satire or the return of good old fashioned riot looting, it's genius.

"Yo mannnn, lisen up. Riots bin up in my hood n peeps r goin crazee. Breaking glass, burnin cars n lootin stores. I gots me a truck and a few homeys and we sacked sum place bro…

I gots it up for sale here on CL. Check it out yo. Click me an email and I tells u where it’s @.

Don't be frontin no games yo. Ya b serious and bring cash."

Get it while it's HOT.


Friday, April 10, 2009

Poor People Like Karma

Will the recession make you fat?

"Nutrition experts say the answer could be yes, if you're not careful. Here's how to shop smarter -- and eat healthfully -- when you're watching every penny."

Or you could be one of the millions of underemployed masses who already know how to survive and thrive on lentils, day old bagels and PIZZA…

More on that in a later post.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Poor People Like New Beginnings

Poor People's Guide to the first 100 days in office.
(Not Barack—you! Barack has his advisors and you have us.)

First 100 days in a new office:

1. Scour local restaurants for a $3 Margarita /$2 Pizza Slice
2. Reinforce the fold down changing table in the ladies room for mid-day naps
3. Question IT about the vigilance of Internet tracking/email surveillance in company
4. Steal scissors/tape dispenser/stapler from spare desk
5. Plan out best time to use company Xerox machine/Fax machine for personal use
6. Stash extra sage green paper/FedEx envelopes/paper plates for personal use
7. Figure out what company does… (delivers the industry’s most comprehensive, end-to-end optimization and migration solutions through its patent-pending, business-aware, heterogeneous software platform. Whaaa???)
8. Engage in the battle for control of the thermostat
9. Calculate most efficient path past boss' desk undetected, when arriving late/leaving early/taking a non-smoking cigarette break
10. Assess snack machine vitals: Where it is, what's in it, and when it gets re-stocked


Poor People Like Birthdays Part II