Thursday, August 6, 2009

Poor People Like Letters of Redundancy

Mostly because it means you can make virtually the same amount of money for sleeping til noon and collecting unemployment, Poor People Love Letters of Redundancy! However, sometimes employers are a little less than honest in their final statement. Here's a sample PPLP would like to offer as a template for future redundancies at your office. Your employer will thank you, and so will we!

Dear Nameless Drone,

Further to our meeting of (date), I am pleased to confirm that your employment with us is terminated as of (not soon enough). We know it's pretty awkward, so feel free to stop reading this letter, swipe a pack of your favorite pens, and peace out before lunch.

Your termination is due to your position having to be made redundant, and in no way reflects your performance in your job, which has been up to par with the apathy and lackluster of Genericorp employees for the past 20 years.

As stated at our meeting, and agreed upon with what appeared to be a "f*ck this place" muttered under your breath on the way out, the terms of your redundancy are as follows:

  • As you know, based on your meager salary and non-existent bonuses, there really isn't much coming to you. In fact, we're still looking for a loop-hole that entitles us to retro-actively not pay you as of last Christmas.
  • * We don't expect the box of printing paper, multiple staplers, or wasted post-it notes to be replaced, but we do require that you return the $25 iTunes gift card you received in lieu of last year's bonus.
  • * Due to excessive lateness, extended lunch hours and unscheduled coffee breaks, we will not be compensating you for leftover vacation/sick days.
  • * Your last day on payroll will be in exactly two weeks, just in time for us to avoid a cake for your birthday.

I'd like to offer a Grade A, bullsh*t reference or unnecessarily lengthy letter of recommendation to help you find another job that underpays, undervalues, and would cut you loose at the first opportunity. If things turn around, we would gladly re-employ you for a lower salaried and more demanding position.

Thank you in advance for not beating in the fax machine with a baseball bat or burning the place down a la Office Space.

Yours Sincerely,

(name and position)

PS: Please do remember to fill out your timesheet for the remaining weeks. You can label your afternoon hours for today as "Got Laid Off, Getting Plastered"

Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company