Friday, May 30, 2008

Poor People Like New Jobs

Poor people love to start new jobs that increase their salary anywhere from $.50 - $20 hourly. It will become apparent that no matter what type of job you have at whatever kind of company, there are certain qualities that every last job on the planet shares. Understanding these qualities will help you accept your fate as an employee of Genericorp, no matter where that may be:

Inefficient Computer Programs
Whether it’s the appointment software at the doctor’s office, the eBay lister at the retail store or the affiliate database at Mindless Media, you can bet your bottom dollar (which you’ve seen often) that this program will operate according to how necessary it is for completing your daily tasks. If there is one program that you need all day/everyday in order to get any work done, it is pretty much a guarantee that this will be the most deficient program you use in your entire life. You can try to trick it by pretending you don’t really need to be using it, but it knows better.

Awkward First Days
No matter how casual the dress, atmosphere, or work load, you can be sure that your first day will be unbearably awkward, as if everyone and everything about your new job is going out of its way to terrify you into never coming back. This is also mostly because everyone at your new job is trying their best to give a good first impression. This means; no talking, music, or cigarette breaks. Even though you remember perfectly what your previous job was like on a regular day just days before, it all escapes you as you sit in your new chair, unsure how exactly you’re going to adjust to the height of your new desk, and wondering to yourself how everyone could possibly be so well-behaved.

With every single job comes a ton of guilt, whether it’s your boss, co-workers, the job itself or YOU trying to inflict it. New jobs especially like to pile on the guilt like the toppings at Subway. Ever notice that everyone at your new job is at their desk working before 9am? Ever notice that everyone stays well past 5:30? They all sit in front of their computers working diligently as you continue with the First Day Bitch Work that has been assigned to you, hoping anyone will leave so that you’re not the asshole who left before everyone else. Also, you will notice that everyone chooses to “eat lunch” at their “desk” on your first day, inadvertently quilting you into not going out for your lunch hour.

A Boss
Yes, no matter where you work or what you do there, if you are poor - you will have a boss. Bosses come in all different forms, some more subtle than others, but all with the same purpose…to make sure you work. Some bosses may appear to be friendly, caring, and genuinely concerned with why you are late or why you threw up in the bathroom after lunch. But at Genericorp, you can be sure of one thing; they care about their job more than they will ever, ever care about you.

Go forward soldiers, but tread lightly.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

1 comment:

vdubjb said...

how lucky to have a birthday bbq/ racist car accident/find a new job all in one month! Dont let anyone quilt you into eating at your desk!