Donald Trump took Sarah Palin to Famiglia Pizza

Case and point.

Poor People Like Noir

Every office needs pizza. No judgement. Watch the above video and have a summary and analysis on my desk by 5.

Poor People Like Domination

President Obama once said:

You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not.

And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

You know what else is left to comfort them? Pizza.

floatingsheep.org via Buzzfeed

Poor People Like Puns

A chuckle and a slice for $2.25? That's a deal.

Pete's-A-Place: 502 E. 14th Street at Ave. A.

Poor People Like Post-Modern DaDa

...and what is a better subject than the serenity of a natural landscape, the progressive humor of Bea Arthur and PIZZA?!?

Help yourself to a slice at beaarthurmountainspizza.tumblr.com.

A Little Wisdom From Daria

...I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise my advice is; stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless experience proves you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing. And there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you.

- Daria

Poor People Like Free McMochas

McDonald’s will be giving away free iced mochas every Monday until August -- in an effort to promote their takeover of Starbucks, I mean, McCafés. Put it in Outlook.

I mean, their coffee is better than their McPizzas. Remember them? Ick.

And then there are the people that just use McDonalds as pizza toppings. Please stop, you're making us look bad.

::head tilt::

Thanks.

::stare down, as the smile fades::

Have a nice weekend,

PPLP

Poor People Like Free Ice Cream

"Cinnabon is commiserating with taxpayers via its giveaway slogan "Tax Day Bites!" It's offering free Classic Bites today from 5 to 8 p.m., while supplies last. The number of bites given to each customer varies by store. The offer is valid at participating U.S. mall-based bakeries -- not at Cinnabon outlets in airports or travel plazas. No coupon is needed and no purchase is necessary.Taco Del Mar's slogan goes a step further: "Taxes $uck. Tacos Don't." You will need to fill out an online form and provide an e-mail address to retrieve the coupon -- the "free Taco 1099" -- for your tax day taco. MaggieMoo's Ice Cream and Treatery is offering free single-scoop ice cream cones to all comers throughout the day. Check out the company's site for the MaggieMoo's nearest you."

--Compliments of MSN Money

Also check out recommendations from...

USA Today and Yahoo , mmm... Chik-Fil-A. I wonder if they serve pizza.

Poor People Like Karma

Will the recession make you fat?

"Nutrition experts say the answer could be yes, if you're not careful. Here's how to shop smarter -- and eat healthfully -- when you're watching every penny."

Or you could be one of the millions of underemployed masses who already know how to survive and thrive on lentils, day old bagels and PIZZA…

More on that in a later post.

Poor People Like New Beginnings

Poor People's Guide to the first 100 days in office.
(Not Barack—you! Barack has his advisors and you have us.)

First 100 days in a new office:

1. Scour local restaurants for a $3 Margarita /$2 Pizza Slice
2. Reinforce the fold down changing table in the ladies room for mid-day naps
3. Question IT about the vigilance of Internet tracking/email surveillance in company
4. Steal scissors/tape dispenser/stapler from spare desk
5. Plan out best time to use company Xerox machine/Fax machine for personal use
6. Stash extra sage green paper/FedEx envelopes/paper plates for personal use
7. Figure out what company does… (delivers the industry’s most comprehensive, end-to-end optimization and migration solutions through its patent-pending, business-aware, heterogeneous software platform. Whaaa???)
8. Engage in the battle for control of the thermostat
9. Calculate most efficient path past boss' desk undetected, when arriving late/leaving early/taking a non-smoking cigarette break
10. Assess snack machine vitals: Where it is, what's in it, and when it gets re-stocked

-Trainer/Cog

Pizza + Economics= Love of Poor People

"The students Jeb Harrison teaches in his economics classes at Pocatello High School in Idaho have learned one thing for sure about these hard times: for $5 you can get a 14-inch pizza with one topping at Molto Caldo Pizzeria, just down the street."

Teaching Economics and Pizza Equations

Poor People Like Harassment

Poor people love being harassed. That's why God invented telemarketers.

Not only are poor people being hounded to pay their late electric bill and the overdue balance on their H&M card, but now unknown companies with no purpose are calling me asking for money.

This number has called me 8 times since I woke up today: 201-918-4971.

According to 800Notes, there is a way to put yourself on the "Do Not Call List" by simply calling back and pressing 2. I, of course, did this, got a call back within 10 minutes, and was probably subsequently added to 500 other calling lists. Luckily, I found this handy guide to tormenting a telemarketer, but It doesn't hold a candle to the Seinfeld method.

One site even had a comment saying that they answered the phone when this number called and got an automated message encouraging them to pay a $1.97 fee and to enter their debit card number. That's where things are at right now. People are calling my phone to ask for $2.

Not in this economy! That's a whole slice of pizza in most towns.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Administrative Professionals Day Gift Ideas From Mindless Media

Administrative Professionals Day is tomorrow! Do you know how you’re going to thank your employees? Here are some gift ideas that all rich people should know about in the event that you actually want to show [moderate] appreciation for your staff’s hard, underpaid work.

Gift Certificate for Red Lobster
On Mother’s Day you take Mama to brunch at Tavern on the Green… For her birthday, you take the Mrs. to dinner at Le Cirque — for Administrative Professionals Day, follow this tried and true method and get a $20 Red Lobster gift certificate for your assistant of 4 years. It’s the perfect gift because it will cover the cost of the lunch menu shrimp platter, but doesn’t encourage her to put out for the crab cake appetizer and cause her to return from lunch 6 minutes late.

Russell Stover Chocolates
Chocolates are the classic gift to show appreciation for the person in your life that has supported and nurtured you over the years, plus it’s conveniently available in a display at the end of the aisle at Duane Reade. Pick up your Trojans, Axe body wash and holiday gifts in one linear sweep of the drug store.

A Free Coffee from Starbucks
Everyone loves Starbucks! What better way to say thank you to your employees then with a complimentary $6 cup of coffee?! The next time you send your employee out for your morning latte and rice crispy treat, be sure to tell them to upgrade to a Grande, and “get yourself a cookie as well! You deserve it!”

Personalized Tea Cozy
There’s no way to make a woman feel older and more socially irrelevant (thereby ensuring she’ll never build up the self-esteem to seek outside employment) than giving her accessories for a tea pot. Other options include an embroidered lumbar pillow or “Cathy Cartoon” screened coffee mugs.

Company Baseball Tickets
Poor people love sports! The perfect gift for any employee would be one night in your 6th row company box seats for [insert local baseball team here]. A perfect spring time gift that is sure to express how much you appreciate them for humoring your incessant and repetitive morning sports banter.

Hooters Hot Wings
If you have the misfortune of having a male assistant, try taking him to lunch at the Hooters, or the Hawaiian Tropic Bar, or giving him a “Girls of Nascar” wall calendar. Anything that keeps him from thinking with the head on his shoulders will keep you at an advantage.

PIZZA
Old reliable! Order a pizza for your entire staff!



Sensitivity Trainer & Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Top 10 Things Your Employee Would Prefer Over a Raise

Poor people don’t like intros.

10. Fire Drills
As funny as it may seem, your employee would rather get away from their desk for 10-30 minutes than receive a raise. This is mostly because something like a fire drill would give them the chance to mingle with their co-workers, get some fresh air (maybe even squeeze in a cigarette or two), and, most importantly, stop working. While chances are pretty slim that your employees were actually working anyway (statistically, I mean), it’s still a welcomed distraction from their daily grind, and an escape from their 5x5 (in some cases, 4x4) prison cell. If you have enough fire drills (and mix it up, don’t always announce them ahead of schedule, use different exits, and don’t always make them listen to a 10 minute speech about fire safety afterwards), I can guarantee that the demands for raises will go down in your company!

9. Gift Cards
Everyone knows that gift cards are better than money. This works with holiday gifts as well. As an employee, I know that I much preferred my $20 gift card to Sephora at the end of the year over a raise. You can’t un-wrap a raise or hold a raise in your hands (arguably). It just goes into your bank account and then you spend it with your ATM Card on things that you actually want. Bo-ring! Gift cards have cool pictures on them and almost look like a credit card. Really, it’s like having a pre-paid credit card to your 10th or 11th favorite store. With a gift card, you don’t have to worry about what store to shop in. The decision has already been made for you! Poor people love when decisions are made for them! You also don’t have to worry about over-spending, as the $20 limit will likely discourage you from going over.

8. Talking About Sports
The best way to keep your employees happy with their inadequate salary is to talk to them the next morning about the most important sporting event that occurred the night before. Be aware that this only works for male employees (even women who actually like sports would still prefer the raise). Make up nicknames for your male employees that remind them of when they played sports in high school, and use it to initiate any conversation you wish to have with them (whether it’s about sports or not – can even pass for work-related conversations). This will make them feel special even though they aren’t. They won’t even realize that the primary reason that you use that nickname all of the time is because you don’t actually know their real name. Even if they went in that morning 100% determined to demand a raise, they will have forgotten about it 10 minutes into a friendly debate over the Jason Kidd trade/Roger Clemens hearing/Eli Manning interview/etc.. This also applies to next morning Grammy, Oscar, and Sopranos banter (any HBO drama will do). Just keep in mind that poor people don’t always have HBO, and the Grammys and Oscars are only on once a year. Always take advantage of these events.

7. Health Insurance
This is up for debate, but decent health insurance will usually keep your employee quiet for a couple of years. What’s even more effective is to have the company change health insurance every few years on the first of January. Conduct 3 hour meetings with representatives from the new company (as this will have double the effect on your employees - see #6: Meetings). Have them fill out an obscene amount of paperwork with the promise that this will save them an additional $40-$50 per paycheck. Since they’re poor, they’ll welcome the small and otherwise insignificant addition to their income. If you’re really lucky, they will literally consider this their raise. You’ll be safe for 6 months, at the least. When friends ask a poor person how much money they make, they can say something like, “Not that much, but I have great health insurance.” Their friends, who are also poor, will most likely be impressed by this.

6. Meetings
Poor people effing love meetings! A day without a meeting is like a day without sunshine. The best thing about meetings is that your employee will always have the false hope that this is finally that promotion/raise/bonus they’ve been waiting for. They themselves won’t bring it up, because they’ll be anticipating it during the entirety of the meeting. Then, when they’ve realized the meeting is over, will be too disheartened to talk to you any longer. They’d much rather get back to their desk as quickly as possible and email their friends about what an asshole you are. You can’t, under any circumstances, let this effect how you treat them. In fact, you should welcome it, as this also keeps poor people relatively compliant with their mundane routines and month-to-month existence. Bitching to my friends about my job is the one constant vice I can always rely on. After this period of anger has passed, your employee will become extremely disappointed and start looking for another job. You should allow no longer than 2 weeks for the disappointment to set in, and then promptly schedule another meeting.

5. Condescending Emails
Theoretically, the list of things your employee would prefer over a raise is a perpetual one. One of my favorite things to get from my boss (that is not a raise) is an incredibly condescending email telling me what to do or not to do. The reason this keeps your employee quiet is in line with the reasoning behind #6. Bitching about your boss is a drug. It’s all one really needs to survive the day, and poor people can use this energy just as efficiently as they could additional income. I love it when my boss tells me to: stop my personal internet use, answer the phone, stop being late, work more efficiently, stop taking long breaks, stop leaving 5 minutes early for lunch, spend less time in the bathroom, be aware of the number of sick days I have left, and (my personal favorite) work over-time or through lunch to get something extremely important finished up by the deadline. This may not seem condescending, but let’s break it down; not only do you have the audacity to ask your underpaid employee to work overtime, but you have absolutely no intention of compensating them financially for this “favor” (it is, in essence, a “favor” that you are asking). In addition, everyone knows that there is no such thing as a deadline. Almost every deadline in every company that every boss sets forth to their employees is a number that they’ve pulled out of their ass to keep you in line. This is mostly because poor people like deadlines. It makes them feel important even though they aren’t.

4. Half Days
Half days make up for a lot of things in life. With just the right number, scattered meticulously through-out the calendar year, you could keep employees complaisant with their salary for years. For every half day you allot, I can guarantee that you’ve delayed every employee’s desire for a raise by at least 3 months. The best way to announce these half days is at the very last minute, about 2 or 3 days before the actual half day. This way, your employees can’t plan long weekend getaways; which, in the end, saves them money they don’t have and shouldn’t be spending. Thanks boss! Half days work best before a 3 day weekend, as this angers employees even more-so. This brings us back to bitching about your boss, a sure-fire way to keep poor people occupied for hours at a time.

3. Vacation Days
Vacation days are just a step above Half days. With just the right number, scattered meticulously through-out the calendar year, you could keep employees complaisant with their salary for DECADES. Each year that a poor person works for you at your company, give them more and more vacation days. Vacation days are better than money for a combination of the reasons listed through-out this list. Vacation days give poor people the opportunity to not work. Not working is the best possible way to keep yourself happy. After a few years, when they are up to 5 or 6 weeks of vacation time, they won’t even consider asking for a raise. How could they possibly have it any better than they do now? I do not have a lot of vacation days, but luckily, I have a boatload of half days, meetings, and condescending emails to keep me happy.

2. Birthday Cake
Monthly birthday cake is [almost] the best way to keep your employees from asking for a raise. The best part about monthly birthday cake is that, well…it’s monthly! This means that you get the chance to remind them of how cool your company is every single month! Best of all, no one gets left out! Monthly birthday cakes are for everyone whose birthday falls within that particular month, and everyone gets a piece! Works best if there is singing, free milk (no need to go this overboard unless you’re lacking considerably in #’s 10-3), and a 10-15 minute break to go along with it (if employees get carried away, be sure to walk by and mutter threatening remarks under your breath about firing everyone if they don’t get back to their desk, which ties into condescending emails, bitching about your boss, etc. You’ve inadvertently killed two birds with one stone). Ice cream cake is only necessary once a year or so, but ice cream cake every month would blow their effing minds! You’ll never have an unhappy employee for the rest of your days. Raise? What raise? Just pass me a fork!

1. Pizza
Poor people fucking love pizza. Pizza on Monday. Pizza on Tuesday. Pizza on Wednesday. Pizza when it rains, snows, hails. Pizza at noon. Pizza at 3pm. Pizza is the unequivocal #1 thing that your employees would prefer instead of a raise. Ask any poor person you know! Pizza is the best thing that could happen to you in a 9-5 workday. Even eating a slice of pizza at your cubicle will make that day better than any other day that week. Getting lots of different types of pizza is the most efficient way to go about ordering pizza for your employees. Nobody wants to be the last person to the lunch room to discover that all of the pepperoni is gone. This won’t make your employee happy. This will actually anger them more than anything else. In that situation, the whole pizza thing has actually backfired. If you want to make it especially fun for your employees, you can combine pizza with any of the above listed points. The best combination would be Pizza+Half Days, followed by Pizza+Birthday Cake. Pizza+Fire Drills works as well. You don’t even have to supply soda to go with the pizza. Your employees will happily purchase their own soda (which works out exceptionally well for you, as they will most definitely purchase it from your vending machine). Poor people don’t like soda as much as they do pizza. If you simply offered free soda to your employees, they would become aware of the fact that they are being insufficiently compensated for the small amount of money they make at your company. Soda is too obvious, and is not enough to take your employees’ minds off of a raise. It may seem like pizza is more obvious, but the idea of a free slice of pizza is so distracting, that there’s no chance anyone will complain about anything for a very long time.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company