Poor People like Dilbert

Dilbert.com now offers “Mash-ups” that allow subscribers to write their own 3rd panel of the popular comic strip. As many of us at Genericorp find the gentle humor of this cartoon cathartic, we decided to participate in this feature. Our contributions are below.

Please take note that this tomfoolery was conducted on our *personal* time.

Corporate Hag:








Sensitivity Trainer:








Corporate Cog:

Poor People Like Advancement

Genericorp like to reward the dedication and loyalty of its employees. Once you have been with the company for several years (of your mid-twenties that are now gone) you can look forward to extra vacation days and a salary increase. If you have been on a good track financially, you will be able to splurge once the money rolls in…

In the future you can:

· Find out what it means when people say “I’m going away for the weekend”
· Own a car and an apartment at the same time
· Find out what an HD TV is, and then get one
· Finally pay off that trip to Europe you took 3 years ago (and possibly go back)
· Be one of those people that grabs the check at dinner and says “It’s on me”
· Buy the new Portishead album instead of waiting for the leak to hit your illegal downloading site of choice
· Supply refreshments at your own party instead of still instructing guests to “BYOB”
· Relieve the unnecessary stress of scouring your room at the end of the month for things to sell on Craigslist
· No longer curse at your local Coinstar for rejecting a quarter and 2 pennies
· Complete half-finished dental work
· Have dinner and a movie in the same night
· Have a pedicure at a salon that does not double as a peep show/crackhouse/daycare center/fish market
· Purchase unmolested cans of Spaghetti-Os
· Vacation at the Cape during the summer months
· Purchase personalized stationary, which will enable to you stop telling people “Sheridan” is your middle name
· Remove your alias from the Meals on Wheels delivery list
· Stop racing the bar bus boys to the half finished beers
· Throw away your home-sewn manila envelope and Styrofoam cup blanket
· Cancel the monthly screenings for “canned tuna induced” mercury poisoning
· Evict the environmental science graduate students that are renting out your deck

Sensitivity Trainer & Corporate Cog

Mindless Media

A Genericorp Company

Poor People like the Truth

"If you must work for money, for the time being, get any kind of job. Work in a coffee shop. Sell surfboards. Meanwhile, study money. You may be the kind of person who will never be happy in a job, being told what to do, what hours to keep, when to go to the bathroom and when to go to lunch. Study money. Learn how money works. Get your own."

The Truth

Why Every Great Corporation Needs Interns

Interns are a necessary evil in every successful corporation. Internships provide a win-win situation for everyone involved. Not only does your company save money by not having to pay them, but you also get someone, usually a college student, to take the job - and even if they gain little to no experience at all, they are just excited for the opportunity.

These students have not been out in the real world yet, so they do not realize that their job is so pointless and their worth within the company is so undervalued and unappreciated that they could have a kindergartner managing the phones. These students possess a youthful vigor and optimistic outlook on life you do not find in the college graduates after just one year of work in an office environment. Students still believe what they do matters and that every possible ounce of work they have while in college is going to prepare them for when they do have a real job. It doesn't even come close.

Here are some of the main differences you will find between the Pre-Graduate and the Post...

College Student:
-Willing to do anything for the good of the company
-Great coffee and snack getter
-Listens to your thoughts and plans, then actually puts them into action
-Reads every email you send and replies
-Doesn't care what they are paid, which normally ranges from little to nothing
-Hopes for a job at Genericorp when they do graduate

Post-Graduate Cog:
-Does as little work as possible by online shopping or chatting on IM with other co-workers within the office
-Would rather make 200 copies and staple them by hand than get a Grande double shot latte with skim milk at the local Starbucks
-Ignores you completely, smiles politely at your racist jokes and then promptly purchases that cute, cheap swimsuit from Gap.com that is going to look fabulous on the beach in September (let's face it, Florida is cheaper in the fall)
-Has your email automatically set to be received in their trash bin
-Scrutinizes every paycheck and checks for errors, has most of their checks already spoken for because most of their little to no money goes to Gap.com
-Prays for a new job… any job

But like I always say, to appreciate the workers you have, you have to have the Interns. After awhile, the interns chirpy nature and willful persistence can become grating on your nerves and you'll find yourself hoping that they will graduate to finally understand what working for a corporation really is…

Bitch work.

Emily Houston
Corporate Hag
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Administrative Professionals Day Gift Ideas From Mindless Media

Administrative Professionals Day is tomorrow! Do you know how you’re going to thank your employees? Here are some gift ideas that all rich people should know about in the event that you actually want to show [moderate] appreciation for your staff’s hard, underpaid work.

Gift Certificate for Red Lobster
On Mother’s Day you take Mama to brunch at Tavern on the Green… For her birthday, you take the Mrs. to dinner at Le Cirque — for Administrative Professionals Day, follow this tried and true method and get a $20 Red Lobster gift certificate for your assistant of 4 years. It’s the perfect gift because it will cover the cost of the lunch menu shrimp platter, but doesn’t encourage her to put out for the crab cake appetizer and cause her to return from lunch 6 minutes late.

Russell Stover Chocolates
Chocolates are the classic gift to show appreciation for the person in your life that has supported and nurtured you over the years, plus it’s conveniently available in a display at the end of the aisle at Duane Reade. Pick up your Trojans, Axe body wash and holiday gifts in one linear sweep of the drug store.

A Free Coffee from Starbucks
Everyone loves Starbucks! What better way to say thank you to your employees then with a complimentary $6 cup of coffee?! The next time you send your employee out for your morning latte and rice crispy treat, be sure to tell them to upgrade to a Grande, and “get yourself a cookie as well! You deserve it!”

Personalized Tea Cozy
There’s no way to make a woman feel older and more socially irrelevant (thereby ensuring she’ll never build up the self-esteem to seek outside employment) than giving her accessories for a tea pot. Other options include an embroidered lumbar pillow or “Cathy Cartoon” screened coffee mugs.

Company Baseball Tickets
Poor people love sports! The perfect gift for any employee would be one night in your 6th row company box seats for [insert local baseball team here]. A perfect spring time gift that is sure to express how much you appreciate them for humoring your incessant and repetitive morning sports banter.

Hooters Hot Wings
If you have the misfortune of having a male assistant, try taking him to lunch at the Hooters, or the Hawaiian Tropic Bar, or giving him a “Girls of Nascar” wall calendar. Anything that keeps him from thinking with the head on his shoulders will keep you at an advantage.

PIZZA
Old reliable! Order a pizza for your entire staff!



Sensitivity Trainer & Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Love, Your Boss

Poor People like Kitsch

HQ has located some of the most inappropriate office attire on the web. Paychecks will be withheld if you are found to possess the following:

“Corporate Whore” wristband

“Build a better life, steal office supplies” tee

“I hate work” tie

“HTTPanties”


Sensitivity Trainer
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Yoo Canz Nawt Even Git a Pizza Wif a Kwarter

"Kitteh gitz furst sad luk at whut paychek luks liek after dedukshuns."

Why it's Better to Be Poor

As any rich person will try to have you believe, being rich comes with way more stress than any poor person could ever imagine. As the late Notorious B.I.G. once sang “The more money we come across, the more problems we see.” This is absolutely true. To help put your mind at ease, here’s a list of 5 problems that only rich people have:

1) More Expenses This is an obvious one. The more money that you have, the bigger your monthly expenses. If you can’t afford a mortgage, car insurance, pets, a vacation house, and eating 3 balanced meals a day, you don’t have to worry about paying for it. This is good news for poor people, who know that going back down to zero after paying rent and utilities is way less complicated than having all of those bills to worry about and all of that money to manage.

2) More Responsibility With every extra dollar that you make comes more and more responsibility. Rich people (your boss’s boss’s boss) have more things to worry about at work than you ever will. They are responsible for all of the employees that work under them, and are the ones running departments (or in some cases, the entire company). All you have to worry about is sitting at your desk and completing your assigned tasks at some point within the next 10 months. Ah, the good life!

3) More Stuff Rich people generally have more stuff than poor people. More stuff means more expenses and more responsibility. For the most part, having the money to buy things that you want leads to big credit card bills, less room in your house(s), and more crap to worry about! Luckily, not having the money for more stuff spares you of these afflictions!

4) More Friends Have you ever noticed that rich people have a lot of friends? This is not a coincidence. When people find out that someone they know has money, they will instantly try subtle (and not so subtle) ways to be a bigger part of their life, thus cashing in on their friend’s success. Some of the added bonuses to having a rich friend are access to their vacation house, first dibs on their season tickets, ordering drinks on their tab, and borrowing their expensive car. To have people constantly calling you asking “What are we doing this weekend?” could become a bit tiresome.

5) More Stress This encompasses all of the examples listed above. The amount of stress that comes with a big salary would be unmanageable for most poor people. Rich people mostly work longer hours, spend less time with their families, have less time off, and suffer through life in ways that only people with money could understand. The more money that you make, the more stress that accumulates in your daily life.

Poor people should thank their lucky star everyday that they are poor, because money is nothing but trouble. So, be happy with your current salary, forget about that raise that you got turned down for, and stop trying to save up for that down payment! The grass is not greener on the other side.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Business Management 101: The Cliff Notes

I was recently flying Northwest Airlines this past March, and had the opportunity to pick up my complimentary copy of Skymall Magazine. It was filled with the usual junk poor people dream up to hopefully "get rich quick," with gadgets that included an upside-down tomato garden, a voice activated R2D2 of your very own, and women's gravity defeyer shoes.

Seriously? Who's buying this crap?
Poor people.

However, one particluar article really jumped out at me. It featured two full pages of precious advertising space, and was called GetAbstract Biz Book Summaries. This particular service includes reading over 4000 of the best selling managerial and executive business books out there. Each month, GetAbstract will update their library with books they deem worthy of reading, or rather "summarizing." In theory, they are offering you more time to think of ways to cheat your employees out of their hard earned salaries and less time wasted on reading full length books to better your business.

They will cover such classics as:
1. Freakonomics The book that sheds light on the hidden side of everything.
2. Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What the Rich Teach Their Kids About
Money--That The Poor and Middle Class Do Not This title needs no
explanation.
3. Every title by Jim Cramer
4. How to Win Friends and Influence People this book has been around
so long my father read it to me in the womb. It didn't help.
5. The South Beach Diet You may be wondering why that's thrown in
there. Well whether you know it or not in order to get ahead you must
look like replicas of Barbie and Ken to get ahead.

For more information on any of these books, click on the link below:
Amazon's 10 Most Popular Business Books

But if you want my opinion, which I'm positive you do, these aren't the only tools that are helpful to get your corporation on the same level as Trump or Microsoft. Instead of wasting all of that time and money and ending up having to read all of those boring summaries, you could already have Tivoed and watched Glengerry Glenn Ross, The ultimate guide to running that well oiled machine, better known as Genericorp. And with all of that extra time on your hands, you can think of more efficient ways to torture and belittle your staff.

For more information on this and other crap that just makes us lazier
visit: www.skymall.com

Are you an employee or Executive Assitant to one of these morons?
Click here: www.jobhuntersbible.com

Regards,
Emily Houston
Corporate Hag
Mindless Media
A Genecorp Company

Why We Should All Move to Wisconsin

As already mentioned, Parade Magazine’s “What People Earn” 2008 installment was recently published, and the poor people of Mindless Media came across a salary that caught their attention. A dental assistant in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin makes $41,000 a year.

We immediately wondered what the cost of living would be in a place like Pleasant Prairie, or in neighboring Villages of Kenosha County, Wisconsin. Turns out, even for someone living in a big city like Milwaukee, the average cost of living is 37% cheaper then it is in New York City, and a whopping 39.1% cheaper than Los Angeles.

Someone making $41,000 a year in New York City (we should all be so lucky) could maintain the same standard of living in Milwaukee for a mere $25,836; The most noticeable differences being in housing and health care expenses..

Those who actually make $25,836 in New York City will tell you that if their expenses were 37% cheaper, they would probably be a lot happier. Maybe even have a car...go on vacations...you know, stuff people do with money. You'd still be poor, of course; but mathematically, you wouldn't be as poor.

CNNMoney’s #1 Place to Live in the US in 2007? Middleton, Wisconsin

Population: 17,400
Median home price (2006): $290,269
Average property taxes (2005): $5,067
Pros: Small-town charm; booming economy; extensive parks and bike trails
Cons: Do you like winter?

Many Middletonians commute to Madison, but Middleton proper has a strong pool of jobs too, mainly in the pharmaceutical, tech and medical industries. After business hours, Middleton has more going on than you might expect for a town of 17,000. The beer garden at the Capital Brewery is host to corporate mixers, and there are good restaurants downtown

Now that sounds quaint! There are even more Wisconsin cities on the top 100, including Germantown, New Berlin, and Franklin. There must be something in the water...

“Cost of Living” calculator? Believe it! It's more fun than Famousr.com.

The obvious conclusion: We should all move to Wisconsin.

And it's just lovely.

Consider your secret out.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People like New Policies

The eagle-eyed efficiency experts of Genericorp have noticed a rise in the office din during business hours. Productivity is not down and the value of the company continues to rise-- however, it's pissing us off. Therefore please see below--new office conduct policies by rank. You will be expected to behave accordingly.

Group 1: CEO, CFO, COO, President, Executive VPs and High Priestesses
Please, continue with uninhibited extortion of all company assets including company credit cards, corporate gifts and tickets, vacations, parties, dinners and non-union staff.

Group 2: Directors, Coordinators, AEs, Managers and VPs
Use of corporate amenities and unlimited vacation allowances may continue, provided the company continues to outpace last year's numbers and the resulting shenanigans continue to amuse Group 1.

Group 3: Representatives, Analysts and Associates
See Cogs

Group 4: Company owned equipment (including fax, Xerox, computer servers, paper clips and coffee machines) and Corporate Cogs
Keep churning and don't consider moving from your fixed position. Only severe malfunctions will be considered a valid reason to leave the location that the reigning manager had last assigned. Documentation from gastroenterologists and PSEG will be required as evidentiary support.

This is work, not Hôtel de Paris.

Sensitivity Trainer
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like to Know their Co-Workers' Salaries

Parade Magazine published it's annual list of "What People Earn." To preempt personal Internet searches/use, here are the highlights:

Timothy Janus, 31
Competitive eater
New York, N.Y.
$25,000

Patricia Wytroval, 49
Apprentice meat cutter
Flagstaff, Ariz.
$30,800

Grace Jones, 45
Dental assistant
Pleasant Prairie, Wis.
$41,000

Sandra Urena, 35
Casino dealer
Atlantic City, N.J.
$45,000

Jeff Foxworthy, 49
Comedian
Atlanta, Ga.
$10 million




Yep. 10 Mil.

Post-traumatic counseling sessions are available in the HR department starting tonight at 6:01pm.




Sensitivity Trainer
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that

Poor People Like Seinfeld

The Mindless Media Conversations: Saving Money

Sensitivity Trainer: So now I have savings… what am I supposed to do with it? I’m just supposed to continue to hoard money?

Corporate Cog: Yes. Save money. And then when you need money, you have money. You’re supposed to pick something you want and save to get it. And then when you get it, you’re happy for 1hr-1wk depending on what it is and then you’re miserable again.

ST: Is that how it works? That’s weird. I still owe money. I have to save money and owe money at the same time. Mind boggling.

CC: Right, well you won’t have enough money for what you want. You’ll only have some…even after you keep saving. At which point you will have to borrow even more money to get what you want.

ST: So I need to set a goal and save money to get to that goal. I want a career, and my self-respect back… how many more birthday checks until I save enough for that?

CC: Self respect is going for about half a mil these days.

Poor People like Economic Stability

As the media continues to throw around accusations of a looming recession, and corporations such as Bear Sterns collapse under the weight of their own pretension, we are reminded that it’s prudent to set financial and professional goals to guide you through 2008.

After consulting with my co-workers, in addition to several minutes on MSN money, I put together an outline to help you plan for the upcoming months.

“Remain calm, all is well.”
Experts recommend not pulling all your money from the stock market. However, you most likely have no portfolio, so you’re probably not panicking about the stock market. The average price per gallon of milk is now over $4. However, Frankenberry is a luxury you gave up in college, so you’re probably not panicking about the cost of groceries. Gas prices are up, and with the summer months approaching, you can look forward to seeing $4 a gallon at the pump--but most likely, you had to trade in your car and buy a bike to commute to work, so don’t worry about the price of a fill-up.

But these problem have cumulative effect… As a result of the rising price of raw ingredients and transportation, you may panic when the cost of previously termed “recession proof foods” rise. That’s right, now they’re charging more for pizza and beer.

The important thing is to remain focused on your savings and earning goals for 2008 and not to panic. Calming breaths, a comprehensive plan and new appreciation of canned tuna will see you through this time.

Brace Yourself
A recession may be inevitable, so take stock of where you are financially. Do you have an emergency fund? You should always have $500 in an emergency fund. Stock pile now. Do you have any other funds you can utilize at this time? Gift certificates may soon lose their value, put them toward necessities or try to trade them in for cash. Extra Dave and Buster tickets lying around the house? Trade them in for preservative heavy foods that you can subsist on at a later time.

On the home front
Take advantage of the lower interest rates and refinance your vacation home… I mean your condo… I mean your houseboat? trailer? large van? room at your parent's house? aaah nevermind.

Rework your résumé
Some companies are reassessing the size of their staff. Most likely the largest salaries will be the first to be axed. This is good news for your job. The bad news is that non-poor people do not adjust well to being poor. They will most likely go down flailing, taking with them anyone in their path. Do not be in the path of the newly poor. Either way, keep your resume updated and your Hooters tee ready.

Reduce Debt
Don’t count on credit card rates falling. Allocate as much as you can spare to paying down your cards. Consider taking more work to pull yourself out of the credit abyss. Your savings can later be utilized as start-up capital in your new career, shower cams are expensive.

If all else fails, it’s only nine months until the year-end bonus…

Sensitivity Trainer
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company