Why it's Better to Be Poor

As any rich person will try to have you believe, being rich comes with way more stress than any poor person could ever imagine. As the late Notorious B.I.G. once sang “The more money we come across, the more problems we see.” This is absolutely true. To help put your mind at ease, here’s a list of 5 problems that only rich people have:

1) More Expenses This is an obvious one. The more money that you have, the bigger your monthly expenses. If you can’t afford a mortgage, car insurance, pets, a vacation house, and eating 3 balanced meals a day, you don’t have to worry about paying for it. This is good news for poor people, who know that going back down to zero after paying rent and utilities is way less complicated than having all of those bills to worry about and all of that money to manage.

2) More Responsibility With every extra dollar that you make comes more and more responsibility. Rich people (your boss’s boss’s boss) have more things to worry about at work than you ever will. They are responsible for all of the employees that work under them, and are the ones running departments (or in some cases, the entire company). All you have to worry about is sitting at your desk and completing your assigned tasks at some point within the next 10 months. Ah, the good life!

3) More Stuff Rich people generally have more stuff than poor people. More stuff means more expenses and more responsibility. For the most part, having the money to buy things that you want leads to big credit card bills, less room in your house(s), and more crap to worry about! Luckily, not having the money for more stuff spares you of these afflictions!

4) More Friends Have you ever noticed that rich people have a lot of friends? This is not a coincidence. When people find out that someone they know has money, they will instantly try subtle (and not so subtle) ways to be a bigger part of their life, thus cashing in on their friend’s success. Some of the added bonuses to having a rich friend are access to their vacation house, first dibs on their season tickets, ordering drinks on their tab, and borrowing their expensive car. To have people constantly calling you asking “What are we doing this weekend?” could become a bit tiresome.

5) More Stress This encompasses all of the examples listed above. The amount of stress that comes with a big salary would be unmanageable for most poor people. Rich people mostly work longer hours, spend less time with their families, have less time off, and suffer through life in ways that only people with money could understand. The more money that you make, the more stress that accumulates in your daily life.

Poor people should thank their lucky star everyday that they are poor, because money is nothing but trouble. So, be happy with your current salary, forget about that raise that you got turned down for, and stop trying to save up for that down payment! The grass is not greener on the other side.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People like Relieving Stress

Over my many, many months at Genericorp, I have seen employees attempt to relieve stress in many ways-- flushing office supplies down the toilet, long distance calls to loved ones, carving gang signs into their desk, tipping the vending machine and pillaging the remains... However, these practices are not recommended at Genericorp. We like to keep an air of serenity in our office, so whenever one of our employees is upset during office hours (undoubtedly due to issues at home or a poor work ethic), we offer these tips to get them through the work week.

Organization
An organized desk is a happy desk. There is no disputing this. If you are uncomfortable in the office, it is probably because your desk is untidy and your work is unfinished. Try finishing the report that was due last week, or re-alphabetizing the files on your desk. You will undoubtedly feel more accomplished and at home in your work space.

Soft Music
During morning hours, some of our employees like to play the radio at their desks at a low volume. It puts people at ease to hear the gentle music of liteFM and hum along to their favorite song from Jon Secada, Counting Crows, All Saints, Cyndi Lauper, The Sugar Hill Gang, Gwar, or the original soundtrack of the Never Ending Story.

Plants
We do not see the need to invest in corporate mediators or in house HR at Genericorp. However, we do believe in the healing properties of plants and encourage our employees to stop by the palm in the entranceway whenever they wish to experience the tranquility of nature.

Exercise
Exercise is the best way to release endorphins, and endorphins make you happy… since the company requires a 70 hour work week, and has otherwise decorated and arranged the office for optimal suppression of joy-- we offer discounted gym memberships. Workers can enjoy 10% off memberships to a pre-selected gym where they can exercise in the cocoon-like sanctity of another small grey room and work themselves to a state of physical exhaustion on par with the mental exhaustion inflicted by a corporate setting.

Drinking
Co-workers often like to bond over “happy hours” or “dinners.” However, we recommend that you try drinking even when you are alone. Honing this habit early in life is critical to developing the level of apathy required to survive corporate life for over 6 months.

Sensitivity Trainer

Mindless Media

A Genericorp Company