Poor People Like New Beginnings

Poor People's Guide to the first 100 days in office.
(Not Barack—you! Barack has his advisors and you have us.)

First 100 days in a new office:

1. Scour local restaurants for a $3 Margarita /$2 Pizza Slice
2. Reinforce the fold down changing table in the ladies room for mid-day naps
3. Question IT about the vigilance of Internet tracking/email surveillance in company
4. Steal scissors/tape dispenser/stapler from spare desk
5. Plan out best time to use company Xerox machine/Fax machine for personal use
6. Stash extra sage green paper/FedEx envelopes/paper plates for personal use
7. Figure out what company does… (delivers the industry’s most comprehensive, end-to-end optimization and migration solutions through its patent-pending, business-aware, heterogeneous software platform. Whaaa???)
8. Engage in the battle for control of the thermostat
9. Calculate most efficient path past boss' desk undetected, when arriving late/leaving early/taking a non-smoking cigarette break
10. Assess snack machine vitals: Where it is, what's in it, and when it gets re-stocked

-Trainer/Cog

Poor People Like Birthdays Part II

(Via Regardsbox.com)

-Cog

Pizza + Economics= Love of Poor People

"The students Jeb Harrison teaches in his economics classes at Pocatello High School in Idaho have learned one thing for sure about these hard times: for $5 you can get a 14-inch pizza with one topping at Molto Caldo Pizzeria, just down the street."

Teaching Economics and Pizza Equations

F*** My Life

"Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML"

http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/19556

The Work Pyramid

www.holytaco.com

Replace this entire chart with just "time wasting," and you've got a day in the life of a Genericorp employee.

-Cog

Top 10 Reasons Why Poor People Like St. Patrick's Day

Now that the financial stresses of the holidays are safely behind us and we have 9 months before we have to start re-gifting our kitchen appliances, we have time to enjoy the 1st of the year’s holidays that is centered around a simple hedonistic pleasures.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Have a beer!

And who knows how to party better than poor people? That's right, rich people. At any rate, here are the top 10 reasons why poor people like St. Patrick's day (not including ones as obvious as dressing your dog in green plastic leis and sunglasses and putting him on a little cart with an Irish flag on it - Duh).

10) Half finished discarded beer bottles
9) Face-paint
8) Non-judgment for being drunk at work all day
7) Getting use out of that one green shirt you keep pulling out of the Salvation Army pile because you "can wear it on St. Pattys"
6) The noise of the parade drowns out your screams
5) Watching your boss get a fine for public urination
4) The green food coloring that distracts your boss from the arsenic in his cream cheese
3) Next day discount on day-old soda bread/green crap at CVS
2) Stumbling into work at noon hungover the next day, and getting away with it.
1) No need to shower at all. On St. Patrick’s Day, everyone’s Irish!

-MM Sensitivity Trainer & Corporate Cog

Poor People Like Harassment

Poor people love being harassed. That's why God invented telemarketers.

Not only are poor people being hounded to pay their late electric bill and the overdue balance on their H&M card, but now unknown companies with no purpose are calling me asking for money.

This number has called me 8 times since I woke up today: 201-918-4971.

According to 800Notes, there is a way to put yourself on the "Do Not Call List" by simply calling back and pressing 2. I, of course, did this, got a call back within 10 minutes, and was probably subsequently added to 500 other calling lists. Luckily, I found this handy guide to tormenting a telemarketer, but It doesn't hold a candle to the Seinfeld method.

One site even had a comment saying that they answered the phone when this number called and got an automated message encouraging them to pay a $1.97 fee and to enter their debit card number. That's where things are at right now. People are calling my phone to ask for $2.

Not in this economy! That's a whole slice of pizza in most towns.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Simple Tasks

Ask me what it's like to re-type the names of all of the players in the 2009 WTA Tour and ATP Tour. Itza Sukzalotzova.

Serena Williams
Dinara Safina
Jelena Jankovic
Elena Dementieva
Vera Zvonareva
Venus Williams
Svetlana Kuznetsova
Ana Ivanovic
Nadia Petrova
Agnieszka Radwanska
Flavia Pennetta
Caroline Wozniacki
Alize Cornet
Marion Bartoli
Victoria Azarenka
Patty Schnyder
Maria Sharapova
Dominika Cibulkova
Jie Zheng
Anabel Medina Garrigues
Katarina Srebotnik
Anna Chakvetadze
Kaia Kanepi
Amelie Mauresmo
Ai Sugiyama
Sybille Bammer
Alisa Kleybanova
Na Li
Navarro Suarez
Agnes Szavay
Alona Bondarenko
Aleksandra Wozniak
Sara Errani
Iveta Benesova
Shuai Peng
Mara Santangelo
Maria Kirlenko
Francesca Schiavone
Sorana Cirstea
Daniela Hantuchova
Bethanie Mattek Sands
Tamarine Tanasugarn
Samantha Stosur
Petra Kvitova
Gisela Dulko
Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova
Tsvetana Pironkova
Monica Niculescu
Shahar Peer
Olga Govortsova
Lucie Safarova
Magdalena Rybarikova
Anne Keothavong
Ekaterina Makarova
Tathiana Garbin
Kateryna Bondarenko
Marina Erakovic
Virginie Razzano
Nathalie Dechy
Karin Knapp
Timea Bacsinkszky
Sabine Lisicki
Yung Jan Chan
Anna Lena Groenfeld
Alla Kudryavtseva
Nuria Vives
Klara Zakopalova
Pauline Permentier
Mathilde Johansson
Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez
Galina Voskoboeva
Nicole Vaidisova
Sofia Arvidsson
Lourdes Dominguez Uno
Yanina Wickmayer
Vera Dushevina
Jose Acasuso
Nicolas Almagro
Mario Ancic
Igor Andreev
Julien Benneteau
Tomas Berdych
James Blake
Simone Bolelli
Agustin Calleri
Guillermo Canas
Jeremy Chardy
Juan Ignacio Chela
Marin Cilic
Steve Darcis
Nikolay Davydenko
Juan Martin Del Potro
Nicolas Devilder
Novak Djokovix
Roger Federer
David Ferrer
Marty Fish
Teimuraz Gabashvili
Guillermo Garcia Lopez
Richard Gasquet
Marc Gicquel
Robby Ginepri
Fernando Gonzalez
Marcel Granollers
Ernests Gulbis
Tommy Haas
Victor Hanescu
Oscar Hernandez
Jan Hernych
Diego Junqueira
Ivo Kalovic
Nicolas Kiefer
Philipp Kohlschreiber
Stefan Koubek
Igor Kunityn
Ivan Ljubicic
Michael Llodra
Feliciano Lopez
Hsun Yen Lu
Paul Henri Mathieu
Jurgen Melzer
Juan Monaco
Gael Monfils
Albert Montanes
Carlos Moya
Andy Murray
Rafael Nadal
David Nalbandian
Ivan Navarro
Jarkko Nieminen
Kei Nishikori
Philipp Petzschner
Sam Querrey
Bobby Reynolds
Tommy Robredo
Christophe Rochus
Andy Roddick
Marat Safin
Fabrice Santoro
Rainer Schuettler
Eduardo Schwank
Andreas Seppi
Florent Serra
Gilles Simon
Robin Soderling
Potito Starace
Radek Stepanek
Janko Tipsarevic
Viktor Troicki
Jo Wilfried Tsonga
Dmitry Tursunov
Martin Vasallo Arguello
Fernando Verdasco
Stanislas Wawrinka
Mikhail Youzhny

-Corporate Cog

Poor People Hate Their Jobs

Cam'ron "I Hate My Job"

Everyone loves a comeback, especially when they find out you've been looking for a crappy office job like the rest of us while you've been away. Everyone can relate to this in an interview: "You know we're not hiring murderers, right?" (Nah Right)

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Dohnatenz

www.yeswecanhas.com/

Log Out And Log Back In

"If you've ever called tech support and wondered what the hell they are doing down there... well, this should answer some questions for you."

www.thewebsiteisdown.com

Did You Forget National Boss's Day?

Yesterday was National Boss's Day, a day to show appreciation to the person who gives you a dirty look every time you come back from lunch a minute late. At first we thought, "finally, a national holiday to celebrate the one and only Bruce Springsteen!" But as it turns out, no one's thought of that yet.

Did you forget to get your boss a gift for National Boss's Day? Yeah, so did we.

"Poor man wanna be rich, rich man wanna be king" - THE BOSS

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Presidential Debates

-Bigger fight for poor people’s attention than Wal-Mart advertising at a NASCAR event.

-No commercials = 2 solid hours of babysitting or use of the uppity neighbors’ pool while they’re guaranteed to be watching CNN.

-Debate ’08… yay rhymes.
-Old Man McCain left his perch on his porch and his liquor cabinet open…
-Shout out to Joe the Plumber... WOOTWOOT!
-Respected political commentators are forced to acknowledge the Batman vs. Penguin debate episode as relevant to the course of modern American history.



Sensitivity Trainer
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Weird Al

"Mac and cheese would be alright, but let's send out for pizza tonight and you can order any topping you like. You can even have the last slice."

Scanner's Top 10 Rich People Who Look Poor

We could not attempt a top 10 to beat this Scanner list of rich people who look poor. Among the highlights are: #2 Trust Fund Hipsters ('These kids spend a lot of their parents' money to look like they're forced to shop at the Salvation Army. The expensive coke also helps with the "too poor to buy groceries" look'), and #8 Tom from Myspace ('You'd think he might want to change out of that t-shirt and put up a new picture. Maybe he could even afford a digital camera with a better DPI? Stop trying to be "one of us," Tom). Of course, how can you beat a sweaty, pasty pic of Pete Doherty (left)? As Whitney would say, only poor people like crack.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Newbies

So your company is doing well, due in part to your hard work and your complete ignorance of annual bonuses. The company is doing so well that they are able to buy a competitor--and double their size, their resources, their client list, their revenue and your migraine attacks. So what if the office is now louder and more crowded? So what if they had to chainsaw your desk in to two and downgrade your computer system to a Speak ‘n Spell and a legal pad? So what if Day 43 of “Promotion Watch 2008” is the day that your promised position was eradicated with the addition of a new work force? There will be so many fun people to meet once you’re down from the ledge!

There will be new people in the elevator, in the bathroom, at the coffee machine and at the bodega, staring at the menu like they’re searching for the “Catch of the Day” entry. There will be new people to share in the experience of cake day and sales meetings. There will be more human shields to fill up the space between you and your stalker. It will be like visiting a sister chapter of Delta Phi Poor!

If none of these changes are beneficial to you, at least try to find some joy in the first time you witness an unwitting newbie try to get past the neck-tattooed security staff without their ID badge. Keep your eyes straight ahead and your ipod on as you walk past--and then have yourself a little victory party in the elevator. Haha NEWBIE!

Sensitivity Trainer

Mindless Media

A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Assurance

Graph Jam - Pop Culture For People in Cubicles

Poor People Like Breakdowns

This footage from an office Surveillance video at Mindless Media has recently been making the rounds on the internet. We weren't sure exactly what set off the employee until we found this version with "recovered audio."

All future attempts to Rick Roll co-workers will result in immediate termination from the company. No genericorp employees were injured during the outbreak. However, the summer party has been canceled to cover damage costs, and all employees are expected to volunteer this Saturday to help with the clean up.

Elizabeth Stolfi
Corporate Cog
Mindless Media
A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Excuses

CNN and Career Builder posted the “10 Best Excuses for Coming to Work Late.” I saw the headline and was planning to offer some suggestions, but I don’t think we can beat “I didn't have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.”

Sheer Genius, I applaud you.

Sensitivity Trainer

Mindless Media

A Genericorp Company

Poor People Like Gov't Money

www.howispentmystimulus.com